Lil Family Blog

37 / 365

2012-02-08T19:05:00.000-05:00

Day 37... Moon Rise at Gerard Drive.

I Know This Won't Be the Last Boy to Make Her Cry... (Pre-School Bullying)

2012-02-02T10:36:00.001-05:00

A few months ago, i wrote about <a href="http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/11/biter-strikes-again.html"> a kid at school that kept biting Lilian</a>. Well, he is at it again... or "was" i should say.
 
 
Thursday, while i was on my way to pick up Lilian from school, i got the phone call parents dread. When you look down and see your kid's childcare on your caller ID. It's never a good thing if they call while your child is there. And one of the administrators tells me "I know you're on your way here, but i just wanted to let you know that Lilian was pushed by another child, fell on her face, her nose is bleeding, swelling, and bruising. We have ice on it, but i didnt want you to come in and see that unexpectedly." I told her i'd be there in 5 minutes. By the time i got there, the bleeding had stopped and Lily was in the bathroom (which takes a while when the teacher has to bring 3-5 kids to the bathroom and let them take turns.)
 
 
So i was handed the next most pre-school parent dreaded thing... and that's the Incident Report. This was Lily's 4th (once she bonked heads with another kid by accident in the bouncy castle, the two reports from the bites, and this one). It (and then the teacher in person) explained that she was sitting on the rug doing puzzles next to another kid. He was grabby with the puzzle so she picked it up and stood to walk away and sit somewhere else. And just as she stood up, he shoved her from behind and fell flat on her face on the tile, since she was holding something and couldnt block her fall.
 
 
It made me sad to think she was hurt. But it also made me angry, because it sounded like she handled the problem in a mature way (walking away rather than fighting) and the aggressive child still acted violently...from behind. If they were fighting tug of war style over a toy and she fell, i'd accept it more as typical toddler behavior, but this was intentionally aggressive because he didnt like her reaction.
 
 
So Mama Bear is pissed.... and the administrator that i was talking to had the incident report for the other kid (kids that misbehave apparently get written reports sent home too), and as she was talking to me, she waved the paper and i saw the name on it. It was The Biter!!!!! Then i lost my patience with the situation a little. The same kid has bitten my daughter twice (for reference, he's 3, my daughter is nearly 3.5 but he's actually bigger than her), hit her a few times shes said, but it hasnt gone on record, and now a shove from behind that ended in a face plant on tile. Enough is enough! I've never met the kid (i've only seen him for 2 minutes when picking up or dropping off Lily) and i dont know what he's like most of the time, but i do know that for a fraction of his time... he is violent and aggressive. I've never gotten a report that Lily has ever raised a hand at any other kid (and i even asked her teachers) and i've never gotten a report that any other kid ever hit her. It seems like just this ONE kid has his own personal problems and my kid is suffering because of it. Not cool. As i left with Lily, i saw The Biter sitting on the floor behind the round reception desk and half-jokingly told them "well, at least i'm glad to see he's in prison".
 
 
Though it has been months, Lily still has not forgotten being bitten. She still talks about it, she still tells us she's afraid of The Biter and that he's "a jerk" and a "bad boy." But she wasn't resisting going to school or anything else, so i assumed the problem was resolved. But starting last week, she was resisting going to school and saying she was afraid of school or too shy. (I think "shy" might translate to "nervous" or "anxious" in her vocabulary). I didnt understand why and i thought it was possible she was being manipulative just because she'd rather stay home or was too tired. (Parenting Fail: Listen to your kids!!!) And then Thursday, she was assaulted at school again.
 
 
We took her to the doctor since the swelling was one-sided to make sure her nose/cheekbone weren't broken, and they weren't. It was just bruising/swelling, so that was good at least. But we were obviously really upset and it seemed the school was also upset and concerned, which made me feel better. They called several times to check up on her, and after a meeting with the owner, i was called and informed that he has been removed from the program.
 
 
The Biter has been expelled from pre-school. Problem solved, right? I wish...
 
 
Lily had a three day weekend to get over it, but Monday came and she was hysterical. I promised her The Biter would not be at school today or any day ever again and that no one would hurt her. I did get her to go, and when we picked her up we sat down for a meeting with both teachers and both administrators. We learned that when they split the class a month ago (enrollment had increased, so they split into age based classes: 18 months-3 and 3&4). In that time it seemed Lily was loving school. But last week, The Biter turned 3 and was moved into her class (hence the resistance we got from her) and on the 3rd day he assaulted her. Lily's main teacher told me that on his first day in the big kid class, Lily cried. The teacher asked her why, and she said that The Biter bit her. The teacher said "no he didnt, he just walked in the room." And Lily said, not today but a long time ago, and she was scared. (I wish i knew that when it happened, not after another act of violence). Lily told us that he hit her all the time, growled at her, and spit on her. The teachers told us he is not very verbal and tends to make gutteral noises and spit... so it probably wasn't "at" her, but she didn't know that. (Or maybe it was, and he was sneaky enough to intimidate her when they weren't looking.) The combined classes had lunch & recess time together, so she did see him, even though they were split for part of the day. The teachers said that all personnel was instructed to keep a careful watch on him specifcally, but sometimes things happen so quickly there's no way to stop them. So where as I believed everything got better (happy child, no incident reports), Lily was actually being bullied at school and i didnt know.
 
 
Yesterday and today we had the WORST mornings we've had EVER in Lily's life. She has been refusing to do the things that lead up to school... shower, go to bed, wake up and pee, get dressed, etc. I guess hoping that if the routine didn't happen, she wouldn't eventually end up at school. After several naps/nights she wakes up crying telling me she had nightmares that The Biter was chasing her. Yesterday morning she was so determined not to go to school, that she refused to sit on the potty and instead peed her pajamas while standing right next to the toilet and wailing. This morning, i put her on the potty hysterical, and as she started to pee, she hopped off and peed all over her panties, the floor, etc. This is a kid that was potty trained in 4 days and NEVER has accidents. And now she'd rather pee herself than go to school. Several times in the past few weeks she's had Night Terrors where she wakes about 2-3 hours after going to bed in hysterics. You can't touch her or speak to her or the screaming gets worse and she holds her breath. It can last 10-25 minutes. At 2am. Leaving us all exhausted come morning. Since her teachers are aware, both they and we are assuring her that she wont see him at school ever again, that she's safe, that no one will hurt her again. But a 3 year old's trust isn't so easily earned.
 
 
I'm kind of at a loss with what to do. Once she gets to school this week, she's been fine. But the anticipation/fear of school is driving her crazy. Because she's happy when she gets there, the school reccommends that we keep sending her and she'll soo learn to trust again. But i'm not sure if showering, putting her on the potty, dressing her all by FORCE in the mornings is healthy. We are also considering taking some time off from school hoping she'll miss it, and request to go back. And we're also considering getting her in to see a therapist for even just a few sessions who may be able to talk to her about it better than we can. But she went from a happy kid who LOVED school, to a fearful, anxious kid that is terrified of school and has nightmares. In the past 2 weeks, she has literally been suffering emotionally. It seems crazy that another toddler could have this affect on her, but i guess his aggression, threats, and violence did a number on her. This is literally the first time she's been threatened with anything (more serious than loss of TV time or the time out chair) or physically hurt (we don't believe in hitting or any sort of violence in the house). This is probably the first time she's ever even met someone who didn't treat her with love and respect - since most everyone else she's around thinks she's awesome and funny. And whereas it is important to learn that not everyone is going to like you... it is not necessary for her to feel threatened in what should be a safe place. So here we are, dealing with a traumatised child. I'm extremely glad that the school kicked him out (we didn't request that) and are taking this very seriously.... but i just want my happy girl back! (And as for The Biter, i hope his parents recognize the seriousness of the situation and get him some help ASAP. Especially before they try to get him into another schoool where he may terrorize some other kid.)

I know this won't be the worst thing she ever gets through and it won't be the hardest thing I ever deal with as a parent. But as her Mommy, it makes me terribly sad to see her so afraid every day.

*edited to add* - Missy called a child psychologist in our area... and happened to catch her in the car, so she was willing to give her a 1/2 hour of her time on the phone. Missy explained it all. The advice we were given was to keep her on her routine. It sounds like clear cut PTSD but kids have a different way of sensing time then us, so although a week ago may seem like a long time to us, it may feel like an hour to a toddler. It may take her what seems like a long time to us to get over, but she will. She also said that since the Biter was removed from the class once and brought back... Lily will have a hard time believing that he's not coming back again. Having him come back to her class after a month of not being there cost us all a lot of trust in her eyes. She'll need extra reassurances and affection at school to rebuild trust. (And the therapist said the Biter should be the one in therapy sessions!)

So... I'm pretty sure our plan was to just keep at it and hope it gets easier anyway. Good to know we aren't doing the wrong thing by forcing her to go. It is, however, so emotionally exhausting for ME to deal with these tantrums. I'm having anxiety before going to bed because I dread being woken up an hour or two later with her night terrors.
I know it'll get better. I just hope it's sooner than later.

Veguary 2012 - I Will Match Your Pledges

2012-01-27T14:46:00.001-05:00

In 2011, Lil Family Blog celebrated Veguary (visit www.veguary.org ) with a month of blog posts and guest blogs on vegetarianism. With February 2012 approaching, i'm announcing another month of celebrating vegetarianism, in all it's varying forms.

Please read last year's posts:

Veguary 2011 - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/02/veguary.html

Blog: Does Vegetarian Mom = Vegetarian Kid? - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/02/veggie-kids.html

My Egg Dilemma Part 1 - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-egg-dilemma.html

My Egg Dilemma Part 2 - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-egg-dilemma-part-2.html

Veguary Guest Blogger *Christine* - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/03/veguary-guest-blogger-christine.html

Veguary Guest Blogger *Jody* - http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/02/veguary-guest-blogger-jody-veggie.html

What is Veguary? It is a mission started by students in 2009, to get people to eat no or less meat in the month of February. It's a month of vegetarian awareness and education. And for me, it's a reminder to celebrate my choices, further educate myself, and reach out to others.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veguary

This year, again, i ask for your Veguary pledges. Visit http://www.veguary.org/ and leave your pledge. You can pledge to be a vegetarian, pescatarian, or a flexitarian (meaning you'll reduce your meat intake). To encourage you to pledge, i am going to Match Pledges. Since i'm already a mostly-vegetarian, i have pledged to be a 100% vegetarian in February (eliminating things like gelatin and chicken broth that may have missed my radar normally). But for everyone of my Lil Family Blog readers that pledges Veguary, i will also pledge to one day of veganism in the month of February (meaning i'll consume no animal products, including dairy and eggs).

Matching Your Pledges!

Here are the rules: go to Veguary.org and leave your pledge there. Then leave a comment here and tell me you've done it! If you'd like to include your exact pledge and why, i'd love to read about your choice. Then i'll match your pledge with one day of veganism. I'll match up to 29 pledges, for one complete month of veganism. Any vegetarian or pescatarian pledges count. A flexitarian pledge must include a plan: such as "Meatless Mondays" or a pledge to give up meat for lunch or dinner every day for Veguary, etc.

I look forward to seeing & matching your pledges.

Also - anyone who would like to guest blog in Lil Family Blog for Veguary 2012, please contact me! I'd love to post your stories about vegetarianism... or why you refuse vegetarianism!

Please check back in February for my blog posts about Veguary.

Leave pledges here. Please and thank you!

I Wish You Had Brown Eyes

2012-01-25T16:01:00.001-05:00

Today i was driving Lilian to school... and she was looking out the window naming what colors things were... and out of nowhere came "you have blue eyes, Mommy." (My eyes are actually gray with a hint of green sometimes i think, not actually blue, but close enough). "And my eyes are brown." And I told her "Yes, that's right." We've had that discussion many times. Usually it's followed with naming that we have red lips, peach skin, brown hair, and whatever color shirts and pants we have, etc. Funny enough, this conversation often happens while she's sitting on the toilet and i sit on the edge of the bathtub. But today it took a different twist. She said "I wish you had brown eyes too, Mommy, so you could match me." *woosh* The air went out of my lungs and i said nothing. I think this is the first time she noticed or acknowlegded that we look different.

To know why this is significant requires a lot of backstory and the preface of... this is all about *me*. My somewhat irrational feelings and hangups, and my background.

So when we were first TTC (trying to conceive) back in 2007, we first considered using sperm banks. We decided not to for a variety of reasons that arent really related to this, so i won't go into them. But when we were going through the online catalog, we were basing our decision on education/profession (trying to pick a smart one), race/ethnicity, blood type didnt matter since i have + blood, handwriting (silly, but well, we're trying to pick genetics based on a list of facts and we didn't have much to go on), and height/looks. At the time, i was going with my lifelong plan of never searching out my bio-family (which did happen later) and i never had a bio relative. Part of the excitement of having a child, was to have my first ever bio relative and the first person to ever look like me! It may not sound like a big thing to those who have parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents who resemble them. But for someone who's never been able to say "i have his eyes and her hair" it was a big thing. So my awesome wife agreed that we could pick a donor that resembled me (European or even more specifically Eastern European, fair skin, blue or light eyes, possibly blonde or light brown hair, though we were more flexible with the hair color, etc.) Without photos you can never be sure, but we thought that would give us a better chance of the baby looking like me. This was a big thing for M to agree to since she wasnt going to be the bio-mom either. (Many same sex couples pick the donor to look like the partner as though they were mixing their own DNA). And M looks nothing like me... she's Italian and has dark almost black brown hair, brown eyes (kinda hazel on close inspection), and her family tans easily. But knowing how important it was to me, she gave it to me.

Then we decided that anonymous sperm was not for us... weighed the options of several men in our life... and asked one of our mutual best friends (Lily's dad) who is Puerto Rican... with almost black hair and the darkest brown eyes. Me being fair/freckled and pale eyed, i knew for sure that our interracial baby would not look like me in most ways, but ultimately other things were way more important (the character/brains/health of her father, as well as our relationship with him.)

And Lilian was conceived... and came out with dark dark hair (which has since lightened to a golden light brown) and eyes that were rich chocolate brown by her first birthday. She has the same skin tone as me (fair with golden undertones) but does not have freckles (yet). Her face as a newborn was pretty much a clone of her dad's, but as she grows up, she is starting to take on some of my features. She has my exact eyebrows and hands. If you look hard enough, i'm "in there" somewhere, but ultimately she looks like a more Caucasian version of her dad. She also looks like Missy! Big brown eyes and the same coloring, etc. In public, people often guess Missy to be the biological parent... which is neat.

Of course I think she's perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about her. I wouldnt trade her eye color for mine now even if i could. Not only is she absolutely beautiful, but she's "Lily" and she was made the way she was meant to be. But to say that there was no disappointment when she came out looking like a mini-me of our donor would be a lie. I think post-partum depression didnt aid to the process, but after the initial weeks/months of friends, family, visitors etc. remarking on how she was her dad's clone (while i was recovering from surgery and had a somewhat destroyed figure and poor health from the pregnancy) was a bitter pill to swallow. I wanted to shout that her DNA was 50% mine even if you couldnt see it! I felt 100% bonded to her, but the way people spoke, you'd have thought i carried an actual cloned baby. I was convinced some people even went on and on about it just TO bother me.

Time went by, (my hormones regulated) and it bothered me a lot less... close to not much at all. People still remark on how much she looks like her dad, and people still assume Missy's the bio parent. And i'm OK with that. She is, after all, all 3 of ours. She may not look like me, but i did grow her inside of me. And in so many other ways, she IS a mini-me. She has lots of personality traits of both Missy and her dad, but a lot are just me too. We have the same favorite foods and both phisically and mentally, i see more and more of me as she gets older.

And in 2009, things changed again. My bio family emerged. I have a bio mom whom i look quite a lot like, and a bio sister the same age, who i also look like ( see here: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2010/07/me-too.html ) I've only met my sister, but ive seen photos of my bio parents, aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. There's practically an entire city in central NJ that I am related to and look like! ( see here: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/07/on-adoption.html ) And it was extremely exciting and new for me to look through albums (scanned and emailed) and pick out my own features in these strangers' family photos. And although these people are not a part of my life, they are out there. I know their names and where they live, i have lots of photos, and although they are strangers, they are also "real" to me. This, too, may have changed my feelings about the whole thing. Who knows?

Now it's 4 years later and Lilian is a beautiful, healthy, intelligent child. She literally came out perfect. And if/when we have a second child, we intend for him/her to be Lily's full sibling if things go as planned. And i'm sure that child will look very little/not at all like me too. And i'm OK with that. I choose that. But thats not to say that every once in a while, something doesn't remind me or bring up the old hurt feelings of not looking like my family. Because that's how i grew up... not looking like them... an outsider of sorts. And ironically, i made the same choice for my adulthood too. I still dont look like my family, even the one i made/am making. I love them and wouldnt change a thing. But today's comment from Lily brought back the old sting. (I can remember sitting with my mom at birthday party, i was around 12 years old, and a aquaintence of hers saying out of nowhere "you two look nothing alike, i'd have guessed she was adopted." Random, embarrassing, and it stuck with me for 20 years). I realize that it's conflicting feelings to both be perfectly content with who she is and what she looks like, and to feel a little sad that we dont look more alike... but well, who can explain emotions?

So i said to her, "But what color lips do you have?" And she said red. And i asked her what color lips I had... and she said also red. I said, "see, we do look alike." And she agreed "Yeah, we do look alike, Mommy."

Me & Lily, April 2010

Missy and Lily, May 2009

Lilian with her dad "B", October 2011

All of us in a silly (yet awesome) theme park portrait. August 2010. (The redhead in the red dress is no relation, but a close friend of ours.)

(I'd like to again point out that this is a very me-centric post. I know that both Missy and Lily's dad value that she looks like them, and i don't discount that. I am glad that they both have that. But sometimes for *me*, buried feelings are dredged up, and this morning was one of those times.)

(Written & posted on my mobile phone... please excuse any typo errors).

Thanks for reading, Lil Family Blog! If you see an ad that interests you on the right or below... please click! The sponsors like it, and it really helps me out!

17, 18, 19 / 365

2012-01-19T21:11:00.003-05:00

Days 17, 18, and 19 from Project 365

Day 17 - Lily drinking her orange sherbet milkshake that Missy made for her.

Day 18 - Dinner for Lily and I. Veggie stir fry and flower pasta. Hulk says Mmmmm...

Day 19 - The notebook in which I've written down every book I've read since 2002.

My book list...

(P.S. - While you're here, click on an ad on the right/below this! The advertisers like it and so do I!)

15 & 16 / 365

2012-01-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

Days 15 & 16 of Project 365. (On a long weekend since today was MLKJr Day and I had off from work.)

Day 15 - Ruby snuggling with her chicken toy.
She loves her "babies." She doesn't love photos.

Missy showing off the 54 English muffins her dad dropped off today -
Enough to feed the Duggars and then some.

8, 9, 10 / 365

2012-01-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

OK... i'm not doing a great job of keeping up with Project 365... so I'll have to do a little catching up this week!
Here are photos 8, 9, and 10.

Day 8 - Lilian in our favorite local restaurant - Townline BBQ.

Ruby tucks herself into bed this way. BTW - aren't my fleece penguin sheets the cutest?

Photos 9 & 10

Only to be made cuter with BOTH my girls tucked into my bed....

5 and 6 / 365

2012-01-07T02:41:00.000-05:00

More Project 365 photos.... (days 5 and 6)

What is happier than a baby eating the messiest food on earth???

Our freezer... hoping for a little Ellio's Pizza Magic this weekend.

A Normally Unpolitical Woman Talks Politics

2012-01-04T16:21:00.001-05:00

I am not one to talk about politics. Really ever. I have mine, we all do. And whereas my opinions are pretty strong, but political views are pretty weak. Normally, I just don't care.

But recently, seeing what is going on in the political world has me actually frightened. It has me questioning my pride to be an American, hell, it even has me questioning my pride to be human.

I grew up in a house of Republicans. My mom and dad... and now my brother (in his 20's) have always voted Republican. (Though it made me snicker to hear my brother's wife voted for Obama. I'm pretty sure my brother declined to admit to who he voted for.) My family is Jewish, upper middle class, white collar, East Coasters. And whereas they may have some liberal views on social aspects (they are down with they gays and pro-choice as far as I know), they vote to keep their military strong and to keep their money where it belongs - in their own bank accounts. I guess I'm the black sheep... uh.. donkey... of the family.

When it comes to voting - opposing sides about taxes and finances, the military, healthcare, schools, laws, etc make sense. These things are national issues and i'd expect there to be two sides. These things affect everyone, and therefore i'd expect there to be debates about it. I even expect for people to get nasty about it. These issues are important - people are very opinionated - and no one likes people messing with their money or rights. So debate on, fight it out, and if I'm on the losing side, then I can accept that too.

Here's where the 2012 election politics throw me. The central FOCUS on hateful issues. Gay marriage, Don't Ask Don't Tell and gays in the military, religion, racial issues, etc. I expect people to have opinions on these things too... we all know, opinions are like assholes: everyone's got one. But what has me in shock, is how political candidates are spewing hate and prejudice and are not only getting away with it, but are expecting people to vote for them. Since when is what people do in their Bedrooms or to which god we do or do not pray to a national issue???

True, 2011 was a pretty amazing year for gay rights and I'm sure that has a lot of people pissed off. But I just can't really understand why. More rights were GIVEN out, but none were taken away from anyone. Straight people are still allowed to marry opposite sex spouses... and they can still get divorced 72 days later if they choose. And everyone still has the right to choose not to serve in the military alongside gays if they wish; there is no draft forcing anyone to serve.

I'm just frightened by amount of hate that is bubbling. Scared of campaigns to REVOKE rights already given to us. As far as I know, women's suffrage rights and black civil rights were not revoked once issued. (I could be wrong on this, but my NJ Public school education plus my fancy Google skills make me believe that is so).

But these crazies actually have me terrified for the future of our country and our Earth.

Rick Santorum:

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/06/06/237112/rick-santorums-top-12-most-offensive-statements/

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/04/397355/rick-santorums-top-10-most-outrageous-campaign-statements/

Michele Bachmann:

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/03/396653/bachmann-refuses-to-explain-past-anti-gay-comments/

Rick Perry:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAJNntoRgA&sns=em

All of the Loonies:

http://www.autostraddle.com/republican-candidates-still-love-to-hate-the-gays-have-nothing-else-to-talk-about-125151/

Whereas I don't like The Newt, when asked about gay rights, he mostly avoids the topic and/or tells gays to vote for Obama (alluding to the fact that he's not down with the rainbows - this actually happened, he actually told someone to vote Obama). Then he spews some other right wing nonsense... which I totally can respect!

But Michele Bachmann and her nutty husband have made comments like 'the first thing I plan to do in office or as first spouse is to put into effect my anti-gay policies.' First thing? Really? Let's not focus on the homeless or hungry, education, improvements... let's punish those gays instead. ( http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/16/marcus-bachmann-outlines-first-spouse-agenda/?smid=tw-nytimespolitics&seid=auto )

What I want to know... is why are these people so obsessed with gay people???

Rick Santorum, another prize, not only wants to illegalize gay marriage, but wants to annul every marriage already performed. Talking about being pro-family ... and this POS wants to involuntarily divorce people? (Annul is just a polite way of saying divorce to me. If you dissolve a marriage, who cares what word you use for it.) I've been legally married for 4.5 years now (it'll be 5 years in August) and someone literally thinks those years should be erased. Made as though they never happened. Make my child a bastard and legally take her parent away. He also talks shit about Blacks... and racists have no place in government.

Rick Perry's ad campaign was a gift to the internet... his dislikes rival only Rebecca Black's Friday and Justin Bieber... and the spoofs keep me laughing for days. But this jackass must have been absent on the 12 years of school when they taught history. "Religion made our country strong..." if by religion, you mean FREEDOM of religion. As far as I'm concerned... and the constitution is concerned... religion and politics don't mix. Our constitution allows freedom of religion, but doesn't REQUIRE it. And the seperation of church and state has been upheld again and again by supreme courts. ( http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separation_of_church_and_state_in_the_United_States ). Wasn't our country build on the ideals of NOT forcing religion and being allowed to choose? I think Freedom makes us strong. And education. And love and empathy. Personally, I think religion makes trouble... but I respect your right to choose it. But please keep your religious views out of my rights and laws. And aren't religions discretionary anyway? Your religion says murder is a sin. I consider hunting to be murder - can we make that illegal next?

But to say that our laws should be in accordance with your religion is Unconstitutional. So aren't these people telling me, I am going to make laws that break the law? Aren't they telling me "I want to break the law to enforce my new laws"? Aren't they preaching hate and inequality?

I've never paid a ton of attention to political campaigns. I've voted only twice in my life for president (2000 and 2008). But this year, the hateful and hurtful messages I catch glimpses of (accidentally mostly on TV, blogs, and Facebook) have me actually concerned. How must we look to other nations? (As though their opinions could get any lower). How must we look to children, who may not remember campaigns that weren't so blatantly racist, homophobic, and religiously-supremecist.

Why am I not hearing about things that these candidates want to do to improve my life? Improve our country? Improve our national standings and relationships? Improve the pathetic value of the American dollar? Instead, I'm being bombarded with prejudices and hatred. We have so many problems, and who marries who is really your biggest concern?

For what it's worth... my family is non-religious. Literally, we are raising our daughter with no religion. Santa visited us but my daughter has never heard of Jesus, god, or the Bible. One day I'll teach her about these things and what they mean to people (as well as spirituality, karma, and religions around the world) and let her make her own choices and beliefs. But for now, we are a family with no religion. However, besides our genitalia (we only have vaginas in our house) we follow a perfect Christian-Judea value system. We don't kill, steal, or lie. We practice kindness and try to be non-judgmental. We follow state and national laws. We work and pay taxes. We respect our elders and honor our parents. We do no harm to others. We live and let live. We give charity and do good deeds. We don't practice hate or violence. We married before conceiving our child. We have friends that are of all sexual orientations and races and religions. We raise our child in a home with values stressed on love, freedom of choice, and being good people. To know us, you'd see that we're no different than the average American (Christian even) family (except for that 2 vagina, 0 penis ratio). I just can't understand why people are so obsessed with us. With destroying/dismantling our family. With hating us. It seriously baffles me. And you're the "good" Christian and I'm the sinner. Strange.

I wish someone would kick the soapbox out from under these haters so we could go back to watching arguments about government healthcare, our "war" on terrorism, the failing economy, and our evergrowing epidemics of homelessness, obesity/malnutrition, unemployment, etc. - what should be the Seriously Scary Stuff.

Quit obsessing and get back to focussing on actual national issues. You're scaring me.

2 and 3 / 365

2012-01-03T21:58:00.001-05:00

Oliver & Lily... nighttime cuddles!

A blog post I wrote about Oliver and Lilian last year.

"i am very intense." -- Oliver

I forgot to take a photo yesterday for Project 365... so here are two for today!

1/365

2012-01-01T22:51:00.002-05:00

For many years, I've often thought about doing a Project 365 thing... a photo a day for a year. Well, I thought about it today... and it actually being the first day of the year, seemed like a good idea!

So 1/365 also has to do with one of my New Year's resolution to get healthy. Not just to lose weight, but to get healthy in many other ways... to make healthier choices.

So here is my vitamin regimen I started a few weeks ago on my bathroom window sill... Day 1, 2012.

Peter Arrived! (Elf on the Shelf)

2011-12-23T12:41:00.001-05:00

Our Elf on the Shelf arrived... better late than never! Lilian named him Peter (after we urged her to pick a new name, since we thought "Elfy" was kind of a crappy name.) Day 1 he rode in on horseback with an army of horses (in case you don't know, Lilian is a horse fanatic). Day 2 he camped out in our dining room. And Day 3, we got to witness his superhero tryouts. I can't wait to see how he surprises us the last two days (Christmas Eve morning and Christmas Day). It is a surprise for me too, since Missy is the one to greet him and help him set up his scenarios after Lily and I go to sleep. (And probably all her ideas, I bet Peter actually has little to do with them).

In case you arren't familiar with Elf on a Shelf... read about it here: http://elfontheshelf.com/AboutUs/TheTradition.aspx

So, now for your viewing pleasure... Peter, Lilian's Elf on a Shelf.
(Click any photo to see it larger. If you like our photos, i'd LOVE for you to PIN them on Pinterest, share the link, etc. But please don't STEAL the photos and post them elsewhere without permission... that's not cool!)

DAY 1:

DAY 2: (P.S. Except for the penguin, everything is EDIBLE!)

DAY 3:

(I'll update this same post when he reappears for Days 4 & 5 so please check back!)

Books Recommendations?

2011-12-15T14:16:00.000-05:00

I love to read. Always have. I was the kind of kid that preferred buying books over toys, clothes, or shoes. This year I read 110 books (so far). I read a lot of good books... and a lot of really entertaining crap books too.

Every book I read between 2002 and 2010.

Soon enough I'll be able to decisively say which my favorite books of 2011 were but I still have time to read a FEW more books this year...

So I need some recommendations. Tell me, what are the BEST books you read this year????

Contest Winner....

2011-12-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

Random.org has chosen a winner for the $25 gift card from Amazon courtesy of WhitePages.com and Archives.com

The winner is...

The 10th comment belongs to Baba and Mama! Please send me your contact info and I'll pass it along to the sponsers!

Thank you everyone for entering!!!

Something Annoying About Me

2011-12-07T13:26:00.001-05:00

Wanna hear something about me that sucks?

I hate surprises. I also hate uncertainty.
I enjoy anticipation... but i also have an underlying feeling of dread that accompanies it, fearing for a disappointment.

I'm a planner. I want things written in my Filofax so i can see when exactly things will happen. I may even be the last American to even USE a paper daily planner. But something about seeing my weeks laid out before me in Pen is satisfying.

I'm OK with spontaenous. But i hate the unpredictable.

Most of the time I just cruise through life, but every once in a while something pops up that i can't schedule or depend on... and i get anxious.

This is one of those weeks... and i'm anxious and not pleased about it. But i also can't just wish it away.

Time is going by really really really really really slowly. I think we're dead.
(If you get that reference, i love you a little more than everyone else.)

Dear Santa,

2011-12-06T10:22:00.002-05:00

Recently I've had a couple of friends/family ask me for Christmas gift suggestions for Lilian. Since she can't read, I think it's safe to post her about what Santa is bringing her and what she still may like...

Her big gift this year is going to be a train table. She's been obsessed with them since she was a tiny thing (and I used to take her to play groups at the library where they had one) and building on the floor isn't always practical when you've got little chihuahuas running through your train set and knocking it down. I'm not 100% sure which we're going to get, but we're leaning towards the Melissa & Doug one because of its simplicity (it also works for a dollhouse, blocks, etc. down the line) and its design (plain white will look better in our house than some multi-colored painted monstrosity.)

As for the train set, we're going to start building her a Thomas collection (Thomas the Tank Engine, wooden railway). The pieces are kind of expensive, but very high quality, detailed, and as far as we can tell, the cutest around. And it being a classic toy, we see it as an investment of sorts (for future kids/generations and/or a resale value). Again, not sure which starter set we're going to get, but we'll get a few pieces/building/trains to start her off.

We also got her the Leapfrog Tag Junior reading kit. It's basically a wand you put over the words on a book and it reads it outloud, it's a "learn to read" toy with great reviews. It comes with one book and we have so far purchased one more (Disney princess book). I'm not sure if the Tag Junior books are compatible with the regular Tag books, I have to research that, because she is mature enough for some of the Tag books.

*EDITED TO ADD* At a few mom's suggestions, I was able to exchange the Tag Junior and get the (regular) Tag. The regular Tag works with both sets of books, and this way she can use it for a long time...

Also this year we've been building her Lego collection. She already has the pink bucket of Legos and the Bellvue horse set (see picture below). But Legos are the kind of toy that you really need a bunch of sets in order to really build something cool. (Note: we skipped the Duplos, and went straight for the Legos so her set will last her entire childhood.)

So for those asking, here are some gift ideas:

1. Thomas wooden railway train set pieces. Buildings/trains/trees/etc.

2. Leapfrog Tag Junior BOOKS

3. Lego sets

She also likes stickers (so a sticker book would be adorable), baking (she asked for an Easy Bake oven but also kids baking accessories would be cute), painting (she already has an art desk), sports & balls, building, anything horses or seahorses, anything related to swimming/beach, she needs new Converse all stars (size 8, low tops), clothing size 3T for pants/tops/PJs, 4T sometimes works for tops if it's cut small. She has also asked for a bathrobe like mine (terrycloth).

She has little to no interest in stuffed animals, dolls, Barbies, dress up things, party shoes, etc. She doesn't/won't wear hair accessories or hats or jewelry... and we have winter jacket, hat, gloves for her for this season. She loves animals, but isn't much into any "human" toys (like Barbies). And luckily for everyone, she's pretty much OVER her Dora obsession, so a Dora gift wouldn't really be age appropriate anymore.

Hope this helps!

Here are some photos of the Thomas trains and the Leapfrog Tag Junior in case you aren't sure what they look like. (And the Lego horse set she has already)

Decorating for Christmas

2011-12-04T19:05:00.001-05:00

I grew up in Jewish family. We were only moderately religious (a very lousy version of reform I guess) and after dropping out of Hebrew school at age 11, I don't think my family ever went back to temple except for other people's Bar Mitzvah's and perhaps a funeral or two. My religious life ended at age 11 or so, and our family now is one without religion.

That being said... as a kid, having the darkest house on the block in December, when many of the other houses were lit up with bright, twinkling lights was depressing. As an adult, I knew I'd celebrate Christmas, not in the religious sense, but with beautifully decorated trees, sparkling lights, and presents on Christmas morning. For me, it's just a holiday to celebrate the winter season and to show my loved ones my appreciation, and an excuse for family to get together. We do talk to Lilian about Santa and reindeer, but when she's older, it'll just be a holiday to celebrate the season and family.

So, after 25 years of no Christmas decorations, as an adult, i LOVE to decorate for Christmas! I love trees and lights and ornaments! (Funny enough, my brother and his wife, who are both practicing Jews feel this way too... and even entered in some light-decorating contests where they live.) I put up my first Christmas tree in 2004 and it's one of my favorite times of the year! I didn't live in a house (we had a condo prior to 2007) until 2007, so I had no outside to decorate, but now that I do, it makes it even more fun!

So, for your viewing pleasure... my Christmas tree & lights this year... and years past!!!
(Click on any photo to see it larger).

Christmas Tree, 2011

Our 2011 tree has a maroon/gold color palette, and a "nature" theme with ornaments that are acorns, pinecones, eggs, cardinals, birdhouses, snowflakes, deer, etc.

Christmas Tree, 2011 And Stockings for Dana, Missy, and Lilian

Christmas Tree, 2011 (M, D, and L ornaments.)

Christmas Tree, 2011

Christmas Lights, 2011

Christmas Lights, 2011 (from the street)

Christmas Lights, 2011

Please feel free to shower me with praise, because I think my tree took 15 hours to put up this year, and the outside lights probably about 2 hours. And I love nothing more than praise. Except chocolate. And babies. Then praise.

And here are Christmas trees of past years... actually EVERY single one of the Christmas trees I've ever had.

My very first Xmas tree, 2004.

2005, Same tree, same spot - slightly different decor!

2006 - New color scheme!

2007 we moved... and in the new house, I did this mini tree on Christmas eve.

In 2007, I was also newly pregnant.

2007 - First time in my OWN house = first OUTSIDE Xmas lights!

2007 - a red/white light theme

2007

2008 - Lily was a few months old, so only a mini tree again, green this year.

2008

2009 - Same mini tree, different color scheme.

2009

In 2008 I didn't bother with outside lights, but 2009 had a modest display.

2010 we moved again - a bigger house, and we got a BIG tree!

2010 - but I did the mini tree too!

The mini tree was blue/purple in 2010.

And the big tree had the same jewel tone color scheme as 2006 in 2010.

2010 didn't have any outside decorations either.

I think this year's tree is probably the best, along with 2006. And this year's outside lights are definitely the best, my technique has improved some!

Do you decorate for Christmas? I'd love to see your photos - comment with a link to YOUR blog if you've posted them!

And while you're here... my blog is hosting a contest and a giveaway (December 2011)... go check it out and enter! http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/11/contest-giveaway.html
Also - see the ads below this entry and on the right? If you see one that looks interesting, please click! The advertisers like it, and it helps me out too! One click!

Happy Holidays! Keep checking back to see all the fun things we do for Christmas this year... including baking, visiting Santa, Christmas portraits, wrapping gifts, making cards, etc.

A Contest & A Giveaway!

2011-11-30T21:56:00.001-05:00

The holiday season isn't just about presents... it's about family and togetherness. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I had my own family reunion with my biological family at the age of 30. So, I'd like to tell you about the "Run And Hug" contest from Archives.com and WhitePages.

This contest runs from November 21 to December 21 and the winner receives two all expense paid trips to reunite with a long lost family member, plus $1,000 spending money. Second and third place winners also receive cash prizes. (See below for details).

In addition to this, my BLOG will be hosting a giveaway for a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com (also provided by WhitePages and Archives.com) to one of the readers to help make your holiday shopping a little easier!!!

DETAILS ON THE "RUN AND HUG" CONTEST:

For many, the holiday season means reuniting with family members near and far. But what about those family members that you have lost touch with or didn’t even know existed. From now until December 19th, Archives.com and WhitePages want to hear your favorite memory about your long lost relative, whether it’s of your Uncle George, your Cousin Patty or your brother Will.

If your story receives the most votes, you and a companion will win two all expenses paid trips to reunite during the holiday season. You will also be given $1,000 in cash to make your trip all that more special. Cash prizes of $500 and $200 will also be awarded to the runner-up and second runner-up. All top ten contestants will receive year-long subscriptions to Archives.com to further explore their family history.

How it Works:

In order to qualify for the Run & Hug contest, participants (18 years and older) need to submit a 500 or less word or video testimonial that describes your favorite memory of a long lost relative with whom you would like to be reunited. If you are not submitting a video, please submit an image that best illustrates your story (a photo of your relative, or of you at the time when your memory took place, your family crest, etc.). Submit your entries here: http://www.runandhug.com/families/enter-to-win/

Once a story is submitted and approved, it will then be open for the public to vote on. Contestants are encouraged to share their story with friends via email, Facebook and Twitter. The story that receives the most votes will win the reunion. Stories can be submitted anywhere from November 21st to December 21st, at which time voting will end. The winner will be chosen and notified by December 25th and will be announced to the public sometime in January. The reunion will take place sometime over the next year. See official contest rules here: http://www.runandhug.com/families/how-it-works/

Share your memory early to maximize your chances of winning!

The Prize

The contestant whose story wins will receive two all expenses paid trips to reunite during the holiday season and will also be given $1,000 in cash. Cash prizes of $500 and $200 will be awarded to the runner-up and second runner-up. All top ten contestants will receive year-long subscriptions to Archives.com to further explore their family history.

About WhitePages & Archives & Disclaimers (also known as... the fine print):

WhitePages is the leading provider of contact information for people and businesses in the U.S. A top 50 website, with over 30 million unique monthly users and powering over 2 billion searches on over 1,500 sites including MSN and the United States Postal Service, WhitePages offers consumers one-click access to more than 200 million adults, or over 90% of the adult population. The company’s suite of mobile products includes a top-50 mobile website and popular iPhone, Android, HP webOS and BlackBerry applications that have been downloaded more than 11 million times.

WhitePages owns and operates the popular web properties 411.com, Address.com and PhoneNumber.com.

About Archives

Archives.com is a leading family history website that makes discovering family history simple and affordable. The company has assembled more than 1.5 billion historical records in a single location, and makes them available at a price that's up to 80 percent less than the leading competitor. Archives also partners with other leading family history websites to provide integrated record collections, discounted memberships, official certificates and other special promotions. Archives.com is free to try for seven days, allowing anyone to explore the benefits of membership without risk or obligation. Archives.com is owned and operated by Inflection, a fast-growing data commerce company.

Disclaimer: This contest is not hosted by Lil Family Blog nor will the winners be chosen by Lil Family Blog. For specific questions about the contest, rules, or prizes, please visit the Run And Hug website: http://www.runandhug.com/families/ and contact them directly!

The Blog $25 Giveaway

One Lil Family Blog reader will receive a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com to help make your holiday shopping a little easier.

Mandatory Entry:
You must be a public follower of my blog either via Google reader/friend connect or Networked blogs. Leave a comment HERE and tell me how you discovered the blog and your favorite holiday tradition! Don't forget to include your name/email so I can contact the winner!

Additional Entries (all worth one unless otherwise specified) Please leave SEPARATE comments for each entry you are entitled to:
* Like Lil Family Blog on Facebook
* Click on both the "Top Mommy" brown button and "Picket Fence" buttons on the right of my page to vote for Lil Family Blog on both sites. (worth 1 total entry)
* Add one of my buttons to your site (again, on the right of my page, copy the text below the button and then paste it onto the sidebar of your blog). Worth 2 entries.
* Post about this giveaway on your blog or site and leave me a link where I can see it.
* Share this contest on Facebook. (Can be done easily with the little "F" icon on the bottom of this entry near the comments).
* Add me to your blogroll/blog list on your site.
* You get one additional entry for every friend/family member you get to enter (they have to leave an extra comment saying who sent them).

This contest will end on December 11, 2011 at 11:59PM EST, no more entries will be accepted after that time. The winners will be chosen at random and announced within a day or two on the blog. The prize will be emailed directly from the sponsor companies to the winner within a reasonable amount of time. Please see my disclosure link on the top of the page for fine print.

Thanks for reading and good luck to everyone!!!
If you enter the Run & Hug contest, please comment here and leave me a link to it, I'd love to read your story!

EDITED TO ADD: The winner has been chosen and announced HERE!

The Biter Strikes Again

2011-11-29T12:32:00.001-05:00

Last week we got an incident report from Lily's school (her second one, her first was she got a bump on her forehead after bumping heads with someone in the bouncy castle), she was bitten by another kid. (I will call this kid "The Biter" to protect her/his privacy). The report was worded to share blame and said something along the lines of "Lily was being irritating to another student and the student bit her hand. Skin wasn't broken. Washed with soap and water and iced." The teacher handed it to me personally last week and gave me the explanation that Lily was pulling on The Biter's jacket and The Biter bit her hand. Lily told me that The Biter was chasing her (sounds like they were being mutually irritating, i mean, aren't all 2 and 3 year olds irritating?) and she later told us The Biter [she used the name] is a Jerk!... which made us giggle. I wasnt too upset about it, kids are kids and whatever. But Lily didnt let it go. That night she told her grandma and aunt that The Biter bit her, and she couldnt understand why she/he would do that. She said her hand hurt for days (though there wasnt much of a mark) and when we went on vacation for 4 days for Thanksgiving, she told her dad and our other friend all about it. She was really upset about it, she couldnt let it go. We explained that The Biter made a mistake and she had to give her/him another chance, etc. and not to say "jerk" to her/his face, that wouldnt be nice.

So Monday comes and Missy went in to pick Lily up (i waited in the car) and one of the teachers gave her another paper and said that Lily was bitten again, by the same student. Lily came running up holding her hand out with two red welts on it. Again, the form shared blame and said that Lily took The Biter's toy and so The Biter bit her. But in speaking to the teacher and the front desk person, the story we got was that they were in the sandbox outside and The Biter put down a shovel for a second and Lily picked it up... but The Biter wasn't done with it and just bit her hand immediately... there was no altercation or fight or words... just the instinct to bite first.

Missy explained it to me in the car, but i decided to go back in and talk with the administrator. I told her i wanted to understand what was going on. Is Lily being SO obnoxious that this kid loses her/his mind? She assured me that Lily did nothing wrong (and even if she did, biting isn't the answer) and that The Biter has the problem. I asked if they were sending letters home to The Biter's family (mine were accident reports because of the injury) and she assured me with an "oohhhh yeah" they were sending home letters and calling the parents in. The school and the forms dont actually name the child by name, but Lily told us The Biter's name. And i asked if anyone else was getting bitten, or is Lily somehoe targeted and/or unable to get along with this one kid? And she told me... ALL the kids have been bitten. While that makes me feel better on one hand (that it isnt anything to do with Lil specifically and she's not being singled out), it also disturbs me a little since there are a dozen kids in class - does that mean she/he has had 13+ biting incidents and still nothing has changed? She told me that if The Biter keeps it up, she/he may not be allowed to come to school anymore. And she said that they can't really prevent it, because The Biter bites with almost no provocation, there is no warning, no fight to break up, no yelling first... it just happens so fast.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I worry about Lily - not so much the physical aspect of it, but emotionally. I dont want her to be afraid to go to school, she loves school so much. And i don't want The Biter provoking her to act out back, she's normally a really well behaved and timid girl - i don't want her to think violence is OK and to learn to bite/hit back. But i also don't want her to feel like a target or a victim, this is bullying at it's earliest stage. We're teaching her to tell him "that hurts, i don't like that" and to choose not to play with/near him if she doesnt want to, but kids are pretty unpredictable. I also hope that The Biter's parents are taking this seriously... i have no idea what the child is like other than this, but it's totally unfair to the rest of the class. I also imagine it's disruptive. Lily cries every time... i imagine a teacher has to hug her and get her ice, etc. So is that 15-25 minutes where one teacher is focussed on calming down ONE child and leaving the other to deal with nine other kids? And who is disiplining The Biter during this time? Lily is only there for 4 hours - so is 1/8 of the day spent dealing with biting and it's aftermath? Certainly unfair.

I don't know how the school will handle it, and i'm not the kind of person that will make any sort of demands... but i hope this stops. Today.

Anyone else deal with anything like this in school?

I'm Thankful For... (A List)

2011-11-23T16:47:00.001-05:00

Things i'm Thankful for... 2011
(In no particular order)

* diet Coke
* Farmville
* photography and the ability to freeze moments in time
* salad
* modern medicine
* my beautiful house (and my nutty landladies)
* my new-to-me car (especially after the past 2 years i had with my last car that fell apart on me, then caught on fire)
* Smart Dogs and Morningstar veggie burgers
* my daughter, Lilian, i made her myself.
* the fact that i MADE a human. After all this time, it doesnt get any less awesome.
* Books. And authors. And my Kindle to read them on.
* my parents who made me as awesome as i am.
* Nap blankets from Brookstone, our family has many... and they feel like we're sleeping on clouds.
* Friends. Specifically Ashley, Val, Lizzie, Mary, Christine & Linda.
* Pumpkin flavored/scented anything.
* Autumn. Leaves and smells and colors and weather.
* my wife: who has endless patience, limitless love, and bakes the best cupcakes this side of the galaxy.
* Lily's school & teachers who have brought her out of her shell and have her loving learning.
* Iacono Farm: where i can buy my eggs cruelty free, and even meet the chickens.
* my job - almost 1 year. And my boss for being more than just a boss, also a friend. And Baby V for taking it easy on me (most days).
* King Kullen for double coupon days... just kidding... or not.
* my brother, Jared, for his unconditional love despite our differences. And his wife, Bee, too for being so sweet and making him happy.
* Amish people and their delicious, delicious jams and pickles.
* Horses - they're kind of scary but make my daughter infinitly happy.
* my mother-in-law, who despite driving me crazy, loves Lily to death and is always there for us.
* Living near the beach, and the perfect summer we spent at Fresh Pond.
* the cutest white chihuahuas to ever live: specifically Ruby - the half human talking dog, and Oliver, the most loyal mushbucket in the world.
* the "Starbucks incident" for giving us the opportunity to speak out and do the right thing
* Lilian's dad, B. Who went from being our best friend, to family and giving us the greatest gift possible.
* Green tea flavored ice cream
* okra (i rediscovered it this year)
* comfortable shoes
* comfortable bras!
* DVR and OnDemand TV
* New York State legalizing gay marriage. 6 down, 44+ to go.
* my internet friends, many whom i've never met, but have "known" longer than a lot of real life friends.
* juice boxes
* air conditioning
* The Situation (the turtle, not the guy) and his wife
* my grandparents, who for the first Thanksgiving are both gone, but are with me in every decision and action i make.
* the sisterhood of my August '08 Moms Group who have provided me answers, advice, and friendship.
* my travelling pants (ok, i dont have those)... but i do have a Fanta shirt! My Fanta shirt!
* old friends i never get to see, but thanks to Facebook i dont lose touch with: Jaime and Christiaan
* my (reasonably) good health
* my parents' second spouses... who make them a lot happier than they seem to have made each other.
* roadtrips & hotel beds
* soup in a can
* massages & pedicures
* my large basement for storage... that does NOT leak or floor or mold
* lily. Not only am i thankful FOR her, but also TO her for reminding me to laugh, love, and live.
* Blogs. And the people that read them.
* Christmas decorations
* deer. And that i live somewhere where i can see them daily.
* Apple and their marvelous products
* digital cameras
* Our favorite restaurants: Bay Burger, Panera, Townline BBQ, Parto's
* sunsets
* Spock (our 1 and a half year old Beta fish who was Lily's 2nd birthday present)
* mustard
* all my family, past, present and Future.

I'm sure there's more... things I missed... and things that will come to me in the next 36 hours. But i consider myself to be so lucky, that the list of things i'm thankful for is essentially neverending. And whereas the whole concept of eating turkey is kinda gross and hokey to me, a day of remembering exactly what makes life great, is a really really good thing. This past year has been a really good one, and i am looking forward to topping it next year.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T15:15:00.001-05:00

We haven't had a Thanksgiving at home since 2008 (when Lily was so tiny we set her bouncer in the center of the table like a centerpiece.) We spent 2009 in Lancaster, and had dinner at our friend, Christine's older sister's house. 2010 was just a few weeks after we moved, and we spent it at Missy's longtime BFF's parent's house. And this year... we decided to again do without the expense/hassle/clean-up of an at home Thanksgiving and go away. So we'll be having Thanksgiving with the Amish... dinner in a restaurant, swimming in a hotel pool, and Lily will ride ponies: with my 3 favorite people in the world. It sounds like a perfect holiday to me.

I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

My... "thankful" post will be seperate, I have a lot to be thankful this year.

What are YOU doing for Thanksgiving? Have any awesome traditions? What are you specifically thankful for this year?

Here is my Little Turkey (Lilian) in 2009. Man, I wish that turkey suit still fit!

Pre-School Class Photo

2011-11-19T01:08:00.001-05:00

We got Lilian's first school photo back and I am SO excited! It's just so cute! She looks a little shy in it... but, well... she is, so it makes sense! (we didn't get to choose background or props or anything).
I just wanted to share the cuteness. We got a group photo too and is doing something kind of weird with her lip, but also cute.

Lilian's 1st School Photo - age 3

I love my Peanut!

P.S. - See the ad below this post - and one over on the right? If they interest you, please click! The sponsers like it... and your one click seriously makes a difference to me. So every time you read, if you see an ad you like, Please give me one click?

Shameless BRAGGING

2011-11-17T15:32:00.002-05:00

On Friday we had Lilian's first parent/teacher conference. This is her first year of pre-school... and so our first conference. To be honest, i wasn't all that nervous. I feel like at drop-off and pick-up you can get a good sense of the teacher's feelings about the child, and that i wouldn't be in for any surprises.
The general consensus and the first thing her teacher said was, "we love Lily." They gave us a checklist type sheet and she had "yes" and smiley faces and even a few "yes!!!!" down the lines. (Except for a few n/a for things they weren't expected to be doing or didn't learn yet, like scissors, tying shoes, reading, etc.) She can count to 10 always, to 20 most of the time. She can recognize most letters, and definitely all the ones they've learned (they "study" one letter a week), she knows the words and melodies to all the songs they sing, speaks in full sentences (this is one of the "yes!!!!!" ones), she follows directions, completes all her art projects the way she should, etc. A significant amount of the class is in diapers (at least 50% it seems, this is a new pre-school, details later, but for now, all ages are combined), but she's the only potty trained one to use the bathroom unassisted (which she does NOT do at home for me, that little sneak). She puts her own jacket on at playtime just needs help starting the zipper. The teacher told us she was extremely intelligent. I asked how she compared to the rest of the class, and she said well if they're "here" (and she held her hand up to her chest) than Lily is "heeeeeere" and made a soaring motion over her head. Several times during the talk, she complimented our parenting and said she could tell we were excellent moms. Whereas i totally agree, LOL, it's awesome to hear it from someone who only knows Lily, not us.
She said that Lily is extremely creative, that she can keep them entertained by telling them stories about what's going on, what her toys are doing, what's going on in pictures, etc. She has an extremely vivid imagination and she is often lost in thought. Ive had concerns about her attention span because she won't draw/color. She'll hold a crayon for about 20 seconds and scribble before she gets bored or requests that the adults draw her fantasy pictures for her (which often involve horses, reindeer, farms, daddy riding horses, or daddy Batman riding a horse). The teacher said that was totally normal at this age, that what is in her head doesnt come out on the paper, so she just doesnt bother. She does, though, enjoy crafts like gluing, painting, collage, etc. I guess where the final result is more obvious/pre-determined. She has a little bit of a perfectionist streak in her. So do all 3 of her parents. :)
She said that she used to cry if she didn't like something (a kid taking her toy, pushing her, etc.) but she has been taught to tell them "i dont like that" and if after a few times, it's not effective, she tells the teacher "Michael took my toy and won't give it back" and the teacher responds with "let's go ask him again" and Lily has to tell him again with the teacher backing her up. The teacher said she believes in kids learning to be independant and standing up for themselves in that way. She no longer cries and can handle these issues on her own.
They say she's funny. She tells jokes and she loves to laugh. She's also very dramatic: ocasionally taking a bow when praised or saying "ta daaaaa" when completing something.
Unsurprisingly to me, we were told that she almost exclusively plays with the boys. The girls can be more timid when it comes to the playground, etc. but Lily is mostly fearless and can keep up with the boys. Inside, she prefers to play with the animals/barn, cars, train set, dinosaurs, puzzles and books etc and has little to no interest in the dolls, dress up stuff or play kitchen, so again, she ends up mostly playing with (or beside) the little boys. When i pick her up, i've never seen her with a girl, only with little boys. She's not a tomboy, she loves pink and sparkly and ponies and perfume - but somehow, it makes sense just based on her interests. When we arrive or leave everyday, she has at least one little boy waving hello/goodbye to her and calling out hi/bye Lily!
The most important thing to hear though, is that she's extremely compassionate & sweet. I see this in her at home too, but that she displays this in public is one of the greatest things a mom can hear. If she sees two other kids not getting along, she'll tell the teacher "Brian took Billy's toy and won't give it back". I laughed and said "so she's a tattle tale." And the teacher assured me it wasn't. She wasn't intending to get anyone in trouble, she just wanted to get backup for the sad kid without his toy. She'll often inform them that a kid needs help. And she is likely to be helping someone do a puzzle correctly (she LOVES puzzles and is extremely awesome at them.) I pray that this doesnt turn into a busybody tendancy, but for now it's extremely sweet. When i dropped her off the other day, one little boy was crying on the rug (in a corner marked "dramatic play" which made it hilarious), and when we came in the classroom, she dropped her backpack, ran over and crouched over him and was asking "are you ok? What's wrong?" She didnt even bother saying goodbye to me. That was one of those moments in life where i knew i was doing something right.
When she first started school, she was extremely shy. For almost 2 weeks, she barely spoke and kinda kept to herself. The teachers didnt even know she COULD talk and soon she was telling them stories. And such a short time later, she's the most advanced kid in the class that has all the teacher's laughing. She's popular amongst the other kids and comes home "teaching" me things. She really came out of her shell, and that's probably the best thing she's gotten out of school.
I prompted the teacher to tell me the bad stuff... the criticisms and the could-be-improved stuff... and she swore there weren't any. She said she had to tell some other parents to stop babying their kids - that at age 3, they needed some independence and to be spoken to like a child, not a baby. She said that Lilian can be spoken to like an adult, she can be reasoned with, and never has to be asked twice to do something. I told her Lily can be stubborn at home and has her bratty moments, and she said that part of her doesnt exist at school. (Awesome, she saves it all for me.)
I always knew Lilian was awesome, but hearing that she's not only awesome, but also compassionate, popular, and above average from a teacher, was just one of the best things a parent can experience.
The facility where she goes to school is new... and beautiful. The entire center has teen/kid programs - so there are dance/yoga studios, kitchen (like home ec rooms with multiple kitchens in one room), party rooms, outdoor pool, arcade, bouncy castle, playground, etc. on two floors. The building has been there for a few years, but pre-school didnt happen last year due to not enough sign-ups and the state licensing didn't come through on time. I didnt know any of this when i signed her up, but i doubt it would have changed my mind. I had no personal/friend reviews for it (any local people we knew had recommendations for other schools and sent their kids to other schools, i was even told by one "no one sends their kids to pre-school there) so finding out that Lily is in the First class makes sense! In January they are taking on more students and a bunch that are 18 months-2 years so they are splitting the class in two and she'll be in the 3-4 year old class. They'll still combine lunch and playground time so if any of her friends are two, she'll still see them. But i've been SO happy with the school. She brings home at least 2 adorable art projects a week (she goes 3 days a week), she does cooking (she made apple pie and pizza), she's learning her alphabet AND sign language (her teacher is also certified in special ed), the building is sparkling clean, her teachers and the receptionists and staff all greet her by name and with hugs, and most importantly, she LOVES it there. I've had not a single complaint and i'd totally recommend the school to anyone. I know people are hesitant to be in the first class or give a new school a try, but i'm so glad we did. (If you are in my area and sending your kid to school and you want the name/contact info, contact me and i'll share all the details). We are definitely considering sending her there next year (also considering one other school we couldnt get her into this year and the public pre-K) and maybe next year i'll do 5 days a week or 3 full days (9-5 instead of the 9-1 she goes now).
I'm dying to get her school pictures back... she'll probably be making the awkward fake smile she does for photos... but i'm sure it'll be adorable anyway.

Bigotry at Starbucks - Update 4

2011-11-14T07:53:00.001-05:00

Today's New York Post, page 26.
(Click to see it larger).

New York Post, November 14, 2011, page 26.

Today articles hit major news sources where a man claims he was fired from T.G.I. Friday's restaurant chain for voting for Obama. His boss not only verbally harrassed him at work for his political views, but called hin ON voting day and told him he'd be sorry for voting. Not two weeks later he was out of a job on what he claims were false charges. The manager who bullied him in this way is named Tanya Edwards.

Why is this so important to me (besides the obvious WRONGness of the whole situation)???

Because remember Jeffrey from Starbucks - the guy we witnessed get fired for being gay??? Well, the manager who was the ring leader of that situation, was one and the same... Tanya Edwards.

Read about TGI Friday's incident here:

http://m.nypost.com/p/news/local/obama_vote_got_guy_fired_suit_pjfYvqYxFFYbI67SRrNZlI

http://mobile.gothamist.com/2011/11/14/lawsuit_there_is_no_obama_in_tgi_fr.php

And if you're new/unfamiliar with the Starbucks situation, here's a recap: (from our visit back in June in Centereach, Long Island, NY) http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/06/blog-post-that-turned-our-life-upside.html

So, originally Starbucks tried to claim that the incident wasn't what it seemed... and that Jeffrey had quit his job. Jeffrey and his lawyer expected Starbucks to fight his claim for unemployment, but surprisingly, Jeff had his unemployment hearing a month ago, and Starbucks elected not to even show up at the hearing, and time period for them to dispute the decision has passed, and Jeff has been awarded unemployment! Once that was awarded, Jeff and his lawyer filed Federal and State suits against both Starbucks and Tanya Edwards personally for wrongful termination and discrimination. And now that his financial security has been obtained, Jeff is ready to speak out about the situation, his outcome and his details. (Previously, we only had OUR point of view, as third party witnesses, but Jeff had to stay silent to protect his future case.)

The New York Post contacted Jeff yesterday before running their story about Friday's today to confirm that it was in fact the same manager, and it was the first he knew of the previous incident. (And this is the first time the name of the manager has been revealed to us).

Starbucks issued a statement claiming that we misunderstood... and i know many of the 1,000s of comments on our blog claimed that we were "looking" for discrimination or drama, or whatever. But with this new information in the public eye, i can't imagine Starbucks or anyone else claiming that we misheard or that it would be impossible that this woman would say the things she did.

People like Tanya Edwards do NOT belong working in the service industry and certainly should not be management. She used her position of power to bully employees whom she didn't like based on their race or orientation or politics. And this is NOT OK.

I'll be looking towards Starbucks (again) to see if they can make this right. As of yet, they have not contacted Jeff in any way, no apology has been issued, no financial benefits (besides state unemployment, just recently) has been given, and nothing to the public. Nor have WE been contacted by Starbucks and issued any sort of apology or admission of guilt for what we had to witness.

To this day, we haven't set foot in a Starbucks, but I would still like to see them make this right. I'd like to hear from them that this was all the fault of one disgusting woman, and i'd like to know that she's been fired and is unhirable in the future - which is what she threatened Jeffrey with.

We will update with more info as it becomes available... but the hurt and shock of this still hasnt gone away for us, and this new information just reopens the wound.

Update 3

CUPCAKEPALOOZA 3 - Part 1

2011-11-12T21:50:00.002-05:00

Vote for "best looking" cupcake in Cupcakepalooza 3.

See the photos below... then vote in the poll on the right! (Click to see image larger).
Please share the link - help us gets as many votes as we can!!!

Comments welcome, and the voting will only be open for ONE HOUR!

*EDITED* - votes are in.

THE WINNERS:

Best Looking - SUSHI (Kate)
Best Frosting - FRANKENBERRY (Missy)
Most Creative - SALTY CARAMEL APPLE SPICE (Val)
Fan Favorite - SAMOA (Nadine)
Best In Show - APPLE PIE (Missy)

Mmmmm.... photos of the whole event to come tomorrow...

Final Poll RESULTS!!!

My Adventures in "Not So Extreme" Couponing (Part 1)

2011-11-09T16:02:00.001-05:00

I got infected. With the Extreme Couponing bug!!! But when you consider all the TLC shows: 19 Kids and Counting, My Strange Addiction, NY Ink, Freaky Eating, I Didnt Know I Was Pregnant, Hoarding: Buried Alive, etc. - it seems like I picked a pretty good show to emulate.

So far, i'm not off to the greatest start, and i'm certainly not extreme... but last Friday we saved about 34% off our grocery order... almost $75 saved... and i didn't buy any stuff that I didn't want or wouldn't normally buy. (I saw one woman on the show who had over 30,000 diapers or something... and she wasn't married and had no kids.)

I think what I really need is a mentor. Any coupon-nuts out there want to mentor me (especially someone from Long Island, so we have the same stores)??? My biggest problem so far, is finding the coupons! (P.S. Any readers that throw away new newspaper coupon inserts and would like to send them my way, i'd appreciate it, contact me for my address!)

So i made minor investments to start: and definitely "paid" us back already in coupons. My printer never has ink, so i had to buy a black cartridge for about $20. (And i finished it already! I need to go get a new one). And we bought a small (about 6x8") accordion folder with 26 pockets, a clasp, and a handle, so we can bring it shopping - it was on sale for about $8. And so far, we've bought one Newsday for about $3, but we think we're gonna get Sunday delivery, it's a lot cheaper. As you can see from last week's receipts (below) we definitely made that back.

So i get the basic mathematical principal behind it is stacking. Using a store coupon or store sale... with a manufacturer's coupon (in a store that doubles, ideally) to greatly discount the item. Just using a coupon on a retail-priced item won't show much savings. This week, we stacked Yoplait yougurts. They are normally $1 each. But sale price was 10/$6. And i had a coupon (printed from online) for $1 off 10... and King Kullen doubles, so we got 10 for $4. A savings of 60%. And we are a household that eats/likes yogurt anyway. So we bought 30! :) But they dont expire for a month... and there are three of us eating them, so not unreasonable. I had a $1 off Cracker Barrell cheese coupon... but they are $6. Not that great. But this week they went on sale buy one get one free... and the coupon doubled... so we got 2 for $4. (So we bought 4 total, they don't expire for months.) That is another 66% savings.

But here is where i'm running into problems:

1. Building my coupon stockpile. So far, coupons.com and Red Plum are the only main sources i've found that are legit. And... going to companies individual webpages (so far Pillsbury, Campbell's and Yoplait have had good ones on their sites). But a lot of sites seem to be fishing scams... they ask for a bunch of info, then want me to take surveys... then try to sell me something. So if anyone can help me out and point me in the direction of good sites to find real, legit coupons let me know. So far we are printing off of one computer, but in theory, i could use/borrow 3 computers total to print with. (Most sites limit printing 2 per computer, per coupon.) Newsday has an insert, but it's kinda crappy. I dont want to spend a ton of $ on buying newspapers each week... though I suppose i would if i found it ACTUALLY paid off.

2. Expiration Dates: it seems all the soupons i print online expire 1 month from when i print it. And many (not all) of the newspaper ones expire in a week! So how does one stockpile coupons if they expire so quickly? Where do people get ones with long expiration dates?

3. Store choices. I live really far away from strip-mall civilization... which i like, don't get me wrong. That's one of the major appeals of living here: i like my nature, farms, deer, beaches, darkness, and quiet. But, when it comes to couponing, it sucks. Locally we have two family owned IGAs and a Waldbaums. None of them double. IGA is expensive... but Waldbaums has its virtues... just no coupon doubling. The next closest thing is King Kullen, which is about 15 miles away from our house (but 30-40 mph roads the whole way, so almost half hour away). They DO double (with restrictions) so they are our store of choice. Beyond that, the next big chain store i think is Stop N Shop (my favorite store to shop in), but it's at least 30 miles away and they don't double either. If there are small stores anywhere in between that DO double, i don't know about them or where they are. So i know on the show, they shop at different stores on the same day - wherever the items are on sale that they have coupons for, they go there. But, we lack variety, and so we have to WAIT for the items to go on sale in our one store. Maybe in other regions, many stores double to compete, but not here.

4. Cost of Living Differences. I live in The Hamptons, one of the most expensive areas in the country. Hell, ALL of New York metro area is expensive. Cost of living here is very different than say down south or in the midwest. But coupons are the same. So on the show, peanut butter may be priced at $1.89 and your $1 off coupon gets it for you for free. But here, i wouldn't find the same item for less than $3. Elsewhere you may pay $800 rent for a 4 bedroom house, here that'll get you a bedroom sublet in a house. More like $2,000+ for the same house. And in NYC you'll get a one bedroom for $2,000... if you're lucky. Elsewhere the same one bedroom might cost you $350. And it's no different with groceries. It is overpriced here. Everything is. Even things you would think might be standard (like McDonald's) isn't. Add about 40% to the prices of the midwest/south and maybe you'll get our prices. So the coupons dont have as much value here.

All that being said, i guess it's going to be a lot of luck too. Printing/clipping what i can find, then hoping it goes on sale at my 1 store within the month that the coupon is good. And practice! But we saved about $35 two weeks ago and $72 this last week, which is certainly better than nothing. We have enough soup, cheese, and yogurt to last a month, which are things we can cross off our list for the next couple weeks, and that's savings going forward too.

I don't actually expect to get my groceries for free like these people on TV. I will not be jumping in dumpsters for circulars. And i will not be paying money for things i don't need (i dont care if Aleve is on sale for 25 cents... i dont USE Aleve, so i won't be pouring 40 boxes into my shopping cart like they do on TV. If a coupon can make it free, i'll buy a few and donate it or give it to a friend that can use it, but no hoarding stockpiles of things we won't use over here.) But for every dollar we can save, it can be $1 more put towards debts, experiences for Lily, or family vacations. So i figure it IS worth my time and effort.

Pointers/tips welcome! Coupon donations welcome too!

And if YOU "extreme" coupon, i'd love to read your blog or hear about your experiences... link me!

I'll update about this again in the future... see if i can get better at it!

This is Friday's shopping receipt, showing our discounts. We had to check out seperately because you can only double five $1 coupons, and you can only use two identical coupons, so Missy and i checked out twice so we could double seven $1 coupons. (But they'll double unlimited 99 cent or lower coupons. Neat, right??)

What My Life Needs More Of...

2011-11-09T10:33:00.002-05:00

I've known my "oldest" friend since we were 9. We met at summer camp and spent 8 weeks as bunk mates from age 9-16. Of all my camp friends, she was the only one that lived in my county, which also meant she was the one that my mom was willing to drive me to visit! When we got our own licenses/cars, we got to be the "out of town mysterious girl" at each others' friends' keg parties. She went to college in Pennsylvania, i went in Manhattan. I think I only visited her in East Bumblefuck once, but she visited me a few times. After college she stayed in PA for a few years... then she came back to New Jersey. That time overlapped when i lived in Hoboken (about 15 minutes with no traffic, which was never, away from where she lived), which was awesome, but we still didnt see each other enough. Then i moved to Long Island in 2007, which everyone from the NYC area knows, is no different than living in China. People from the city & the entire rest of the continental USA are all like "you live in NY, let's hang out... oh wait, you said Long Island... that's like 2 bridges/tunnels away... i can't cross two rivers, i might as well swim across an entire ocean" (everyone thinks this... even my parents). So it seems like distance has kept us apart for most of our lives. But you know what is awesome? She's the kind of friend that you can not see for a year... and when you do, it's like no time has passed and it doesnt even matter, things just pick up where they left off. Another sucky thing for us... is that I hate the phone. I mean, i really hate the phone. I talk on the phone on average 10 minutes a week... and 5 of those minutes are usually individual phone calls saying "i'll be there to pick you/Lily up in 5 minutes." But she, she hates the internet and more often than not has her Facebook disabled, and deleted her blog & Twitter.
Put all of this together... and there just isnt enough Linda in my life.
So this post is for you.
One time, we were about 14 or so, and i was visiting at her house. We went for a walk - where or why, i don't remember. But I do remember a dog... a huge black, mean one... a Doberman perhaps, charging out of a driveway at us, and we took one look at each other and Ran! The unfair part was, her legs are about 6 inches longer than mine, and she was a high school athlete (and i walked the "mile run" in gym class). She took off and was about 5 houses ahead of me. She probably looked back, but there was no way I could catch up. Remember that old joke about not being able to outrun a bear, and the guy says, "i dont need to outrun the bear, i just need to outrun you!" Well, there we were. And then there was a guy in his driveway working on (maybe washing?) his truck, and in some adrenaline powered superhero move, i leaped onto his truck in a single jump and stood there trembling on his roof. And he said "hi, there." Certainly one of my most hilarious AND horrifying stories about dogs of my life.
As a kid, Linda was obsessed with two things. Madonna and mooning people. For some reason, it was her life's mission to make sure every last human saw her ass. This made for awesome van/bus rides at summer camp. Though she may deny it, i think, sadly, she's outgrown this.
On one camp trip, we must have been about 15 years old, and we went to Boston, or Montreal, or some city north of us. We stayed in a campground outside the city, and this trip was different than most, because we went with the boys group our age. Linda and i snuck out of our tent for a little late night visit (one more teenage obsession of hers... boys) and as we were sneaking around with our flashlight, we got caught by the trip leader. We shone our flashlight on him in an "oh shit" moment... and instead of yelling at us for sneaking out after dark, he started shouting at us "you RUINED my night vision." To this day, i still have no idea what the fuck he was talking about. Your eyes will adjust, chill out. But whenever anyone shines a light in my eyes, i think "you've ruined my night vision" then laugh alone like a weirdo, and think of Linda.
When we asked Linda to be Lilian's Godmother, she cried. And i'm pretty sure she takes this shit seriously, she IS Italian. I think she'd even leave a decapitated horse's head in someone's bed for Lily.
When i got married, i asked the 4 women most important to me in my life (besides my soon-to-be-wife) to give me my something Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue. My grandma gave me a gold ring (we she said was a wedding ring, something old), my mom gave me the garter she wore at her wedding (it had a blue bow), one of my besties, Jaime, sent me haircombs to wear (new), and Linda lent me her lucky pendant (which was on a safety pin, and i wore pinned to my bra.) None of those four people could be there with us that day (our friends Christiaan and Wick were our witnesses), but they all were a part of my wedding.
On another camp trip to Boston (or maybe it was the same one), Linda bought a frog stuffed animal. (I have no idea why) But i have a photo of her (somewhere) hanging out a shop door, in a brownstone building (probably Newbury Street), waving this giant green frog over her head. She took the frog to college, and he became one of those items that you hold on to move after move. In 2002 (i was 22), when i had a horrible car accident, after i was medi-jetted back from Florida to NY, she came to visit me at the rehab hospital (she still lived in PA) and she brought me this same frog to keep me company.
My first and only time white water rafting/canoeing was with Linda. On the Delaware river somewhere in PA. We were canoe partners... and on the first day, we got our canoe wedged between 3 rocks in a rapid, and had to get out to pull it free. It was disastrous. The next day i broke my toes rafting... that sucked too. I never went again.
Below are an assortment of photos of us from various years. I'm typing this on my phone at work, so later i'll include more photos (and caption them properly), but for now... here they are.
Last year (Sept 8, 2010) for my 31st birthday, Linda put this poem in her blog for me. It ranks in one of the best presents i ever got from a friend: (and BOO to Linda for deleting her blog, you should bring it back, but Yay to me for copying and saving this before you did.)
An Online Diary of Loo Loo's Mondo
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
happy bday, my summer camp sister
as delicate as i had always assumed she was
she accepted me from the start
my age 8 tomboy self
her artsy and magical ways
she always wrote notes
and dotted her "i"'s with a heart
i always knew
that she was brilliant
she liked me
despite the fact that
i used to run around
(almost always)
with none of my clothes on
screaming for attention
farting and burping
on command for show
as dainty as i had assumed she was
she still got a kick
out of the fact that
i peed in some girl's shampoo bottle
because
the girl was a b*tch
and totally deserved
a head massage with urine
as young as we were
i always knew that i'd know her forever
she stood by my side
when i spit in some kid's face
for the lies that he told
and she was the only one
who believed my truth
as reserved as i always thought she was
she didn't flinch when i told her
about my life
things that are BIG news when you're 14
like
divorce
alcohol
sex
and tattoos
i always knew that she was special
different, unique
i always would hope that i'd have her forever
no matter our age, our school, our town
when i cleaned out my closet
i found a college paper
that i had written about
a photo of us
taken one night in new york city
she makes it easy to feel inspired
she's easy to admire
she's the bird on the wire
that moves over
for the rest of her
feathered friends to arrive
my instinct is to protect her
that will never change
even though she's the stronger one
in my mind's eye
she's soft like a watercolor painting
that hasn't had
a chance to dry
i kept every letter she ever sent me
from nyc to london, cali, nj
i kept every mix tape
used book and burnt cd's too
she's private
i can't say much else
but i can tell you this-
she is love
Posted by Loo Loo at 12:54 PM

So this is a big Thank You to Linda for being in my life for the past 23 years (shit, are we seriously that old?). For always understanding me. For always telling me what I want to hear (sometimes). For never failing to make me laugh. And for always having my back. I always said you were the sister i never had, and you still are...

Lilian and her godparents at her 2nd birthday party.

Linda & Dana, house party in Hoboken 7/25/2003

Summer 2010

Summer Camp 1992

3 of my favorite friends in one photo!

St Patrick's Day 2010.

A very romantic Valentine's Day 2010

1997 Freshman year of College

Halloween 2011

2011-11-09T00:22:00.001-05:00

Here comes another photo heavy post... but I have lots of photos to share from Halloween!
I posted last week about the adorable Halloween cupcakes and cookies we made as gifts, and here is all the rest of the stuff we did to celebrate this year!

This was a really cool year, Lilian was 3 years old (+ 2 months) and really "got" it this year. She was excited to do all the Halloween related things, and got into the concept of "spooky". We even let her choose her own costume (2008 she was a pumpkin, 2009 she was a robot/ladybug - two costumes, not combines, 2010 she was Nemo) and this year she at first asked to be a horse (she is OBSESSED with horses), but agreed to be a cowgirl... ON a horse, which was a lot easier for her mommies to make/get. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, we went pumpkin picking and I did a Halloween portrait shoot of her at the farm, we painted wooden pumpkins, we baked, we decorated the front of our house with lights & spider webs, and we carved pumpkins. And on the day of Halloween, her pre-school had a party that parents could attend, and then we took her Trick-or-Treating. The village we live in does Trick-or-Treating in town, and all the shops give out candy. There are plenty of crossing guards and kids everywhere. Definitely a safer alternative to knocking on strangers doors in pitch dark neighborhoods (where we live there are no street lights, and most people don't do house lights because of light pollution, so it's DARK.)

After what was pretty much a month long celebration in our house, I felt like Lily totally got the Halloween experience this year!

And now some photos... (CLICK on any of the photos to see it larger).

Halloween Painting Projects:

Lilian about to start her masterpiece. 10/16/2011

Paints you see in the background, 2/$1 at Michael's! Wooden pumpkin $2.

A totally fun way to spend the afternoon, and we spend about $10 on them all.

Lilian's two finished projects.

Missy's, Lily's, mine from left to right. Yay!

Lilian's Halloween Portraits, 2011.

Portraits (on our front porch) 10/22/2011


My friend Stephanie made this awesome dress. Info: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2010/08/ninibugs-review-and-giveaway.html

That's me! I'm the one that's not 3.

And here's Lily with Missy! Being silly as usual.

Portraits at Balsams Farm in Amagansett, NY


Lollipops made a good bribe to get her to sit still for portraits!

We did our pumpkin carving with friends this year, and it was one of the most fun nights of the year! 10/23/2011

Mia (age 5 or 6) and Lily getting the guts out of the pumpkin!

Me again, gutting my pumpkin.

Missy, slow and steady wins the race! This pumpkin will soon be epic.

The kids took off by this point, and left us to carve.


Are these the coolest pumpkins or what? I carved the owl (2nd from left) and Missy carved the Frankenberry (center), friends Emily, Mat, and Jenn carved the other three. It was our first time carving, and I was MAJORLY impressed!

Visit this post to see all the Halloween baked goods we made the night before Halloween.

And finally, the photos from actual Halloween, which fell on a Monday this year. 10/31/2011

My little cowgirl.

By the way, we didn't get that hobby-horse for Halloween, she's had it for a year or so, a gift from her grandfather. The cutest part about it, is his name. She named him "Popcorn" which is her favorite junk food. How cute is that?

Pre-school party. When we arrived, she was eating popcorn with a fork. Weirdo.

Bouncy castle fun.

Playing trains with Baby Yoda.

This is the first time I got to witness lunch time at her school... and I thought it was SO adorable!

I wonder if she does this every day with her apples.

So cute, I couldn't stop taking photos!

One more photo in her costume - she takes a nap after school, and I was worried she wouldn't want to put it on again for Trick-or-Treating!

I love her face in this one... and she looks a lot like me at her age in this shot.

She and MommyMissy playing "I'm gonna get more candy than you"...

Cute vest, right? We got it on etsy!

Trick-or-Treating in town. No, Mommy (me) did NOT wear a costume this year.

Lily said "Trick or Treat" and "thank you" to everyone. She's so polite!

I found Waldo!

Lily and her friend, V.

This "alley" in town was made all spooky... it was really cool.

This werewolf's bowl had a mechanical hand that grabbed yours... and it scared Lily to near death! You can see her screaming as she jumped back a mile! She then said "let's get out of this spooky place."

So, Halloween 2011 was a total success! I'm already looking forward to next year. Especially the pumpkin carving, that was new for me this year, and I can't WAIT for next year's!

Short Pre-School Update

2011-11-02T12:14:00.001-04:00

Lilian is still loving pre-school. One of my favorite parts is seeing all the crafts/projects she makes... they are just so adorable they make me squeal with excitement. (Photos below of a few recent ones).

Her teachers seem to like her. One told me she's hilarious. She asked her how to do something... she was shown and then did it herself... and when she did it correctly, she exclaimed "Ta Daaaaaa!" Then later she was told "good job" regarding something else, and she took a bow. LOL. She seriously is a funny kid.

When we got to school today, one little boy was laying on the rug sobbing, and she dropped her backpack, went over to him, bent down and said "what's wrong?" She is so caring too... she is always looking to make people "feel better." Her teachers both "awwww"-ed when they heard her do that this morning.

She's a really good kid. We have teacher conference on November 11, I am curious to see what they have to say.

A few pre-school photos from October:
(The photo below with her in the red shirt and overalls was on pircure day. The photo of "lunchtime" at pre-school was on Halloween when the parents came in for a party.)

Halloween Cupcakes & Cookies

2011-10-31T02:09:00.001-04:00

In our house, we love to bake... and to spread around the sugary goodness!
Here's a peek of our adorable Halloween bake spread. And, since it's the first holiday since Lilian's been in pre-school, we made up adorable tins of cupcake/cookie samplers to give her teachers and the school staff as gifts (as well as some for our family/employers, etc.)
I think they came out totally adorable and Lilian had a lot of fun being our little helper.

The purple cupcake & the spider are double chocolate chip: one with buttercream frosting and the other with chocolate. The crumb topped one is a pumpkin cheescake cupcake. The one that is frosted like a pumpkin is red velvet, with orange-dyed cream cheese frosting. And the sprinkled chocolate-frosted is a banana chocolate chip cupcake. On the right is a sugar cookie painted with icing to look like a candy corn (and has the tag/card attached that says all the flavors and a Halloween message) to be the gift tag. The cute tins are about 6" across (by the way, these are mini cupcakes) and were purchased for $1 a piece! We lined them with tissue paper, but one piece of tissue paper cut up lined six tins. So this was an altogether pretty inexpensive gift idea, but it looks totally adorable! Plus, Missy is a FANTASTIC cook/baker so they taste fabulous.

Making the candy corn cookies.

In the end, we decided we liked them better without faces, though it is cute with it too.

(Lily took a bite out of the one with the face)

To package the cookies, I just cut the bottom off a zip lock bag... then I punched holes along two sides, and used ribbon to "lace" it up. I then put the card on the ribbon and tied a bow! Then we just used a small piece of packing tape rolled on the back of the cookie, and stuck the whole "gift tag" on the lid of the tin!

The finished product.

Our "gift tags".

Since these are mini cupcakes, I think each batch made almost 50... and Missy baked 4 batches, so our house had between 200-300 cupcakes in it! I swear every surface in the kitchen had cupcakes on it all day/evening!

Luckily the pumpkin-cheesecake ones can be stacked!

Mmmm... spiders!

Lilian got to help at various stages: she helped Missy mix the ingredients before they were baked, and after I frosted the banana ones, she helped shake on the sprinkles. She just loves to help out in the kitchen, and is getting really good at remembering the names/amounts of all the ingredients needed.
While Missy was making the spider faces on the cupcakes, Lilian wanted to do one too, so we gave her one of the orange cupcakes, and she made her own spider! She LOVED him.

Hello. I'm the cutest cupcake in the world.

Lilian's spider.

Not bad for a 3 year old.

While I was taking photos of all this stuff, Lilian decided to be a ham and asked me to take a photo of her... and she's incredibly cute, so here she is:


My Little Peanut

So, I hope Lilian's teachers enjoy her cupcakes. I know we had fun making them, and I think they turned out super cute! And delicious!

Most of the tins, before we closed them up.

Yum.

By the way, I think all of the sprinkles used and the eyeballs on the spider are all made by Wilton (and can be purchased at Michael's or wherever Wilton is sold). The pumpkin stem is a "Mike & Ikes" candy cut into pieces. The spider legs are red licorice strings. And the frostings/cupcakes/cookies were all made/baked by Missy! If anyone would like recipes, let me know and I can get them from her and share!

Are you a teacher? Do you usually get gifts for holidays other than Christmas? Would you like to receive a homemade cupcake sampler?

Did you bake for Halloween? I'd love to see what you made! Comment with photos/links to yours!

One of my Favorite Days Of the Year - APPLE PICKING!!!

2011-10-15T02:56:00.001-04:00

OK... so this is going to be a photo-heavy post, but it's been a while anyway...

I love autumn. I mean i REALLY love autumn. It's like I come alive again every year when the weather gets cool, leaves turn orange, pumpkins are everywhere, and everything smells spicy. And we have a tradition of apple picking. We go once a year (I thought we went every year, but looking back at photos, I think we went in 2004, then skipped 3 years, but we went every year from 2008-2011) and then we have people over our house to bake pies and do autumn-like things! It's definitely one of my favorite days of the year - one that SHOULD be a holiday. "National Autumn-apple-picking-day." Way better than some other holidays that already exist.

So here are some apple picking photos from throughout the years... they get funnier after Lilian is born, because in those 4 years, there is a LOT of growth! :) It's fun to look back at old photos and watch her grow...

So here goes...

2004 - Missy and I went with our friend Nadine (and Brian and Jaclyn) in Harding, NJ.

Aw man, I LOVED that Hoboken NeighborHoodie!

One of my favorite photos of Missy of all time!

2008 - Lilian was about 3 months old, we went late in the year that year - November. Lilian's dad "B" came and brought his niece "T" and we went to Seven Ponds Orchard in Water Mill, NY.

She's TINY!!!

Our friend MARY knitted that apple hat & i LOVED it!

(Click on any of the photos to see them larger).

It's the cutest apple in the tree!

2009 - This year B's sister "L" came with us, and brought her two children "B" and "J". They were (I think) 6 and 8 at the time. Lilian was about 13 months old. We went September 13 this year at The Milk Pail in Water Mill, NY.

These photos are all out of order... peeling apples comes AFTER picking them!

Me & Peanut

LOVE this photo!!!

2010 - I wanted to go apple picking as my birthday celebration... and one of our best friends, Ashley, came with us that year. Then we went back to Joe's house in Bridgehampton and made pies (and drank lots of beer.) This year was at The Milk Pail again.

Apple tossing!!!

I designed REALLY pretty pies this year.

Lily never wants to LOOK at the camera for photos. This hasn't changed.

And 2011 - We went last weekend (10/8/11), back to Seven Ponds Orchard (where we went in 2008. Prices are better and staff is friendlier!) And... you can compare the "apple of my eye", school bus, and height photos to the ones when Lilian was itty bitty... how fun! B came out again, along with our friend Lizzie (and her friends B &B). The day ran really late... and Missy ended up baking the pies all by herself at midnight after I went to bed, but they were some of the best apple pies I ever tasted! This year WON in the pie taste area.

Look how big she got!!!

(Again, this comes later... but you can figure that out!)

Group shot taken by an anonymous stranger.

OMG, cutest photo ever! TWO smiles, even! (Lily and her dad)

Lily tried to PULL the wagon with Lizzie & B in it... it didn't happen.

One of the RARE poses I got. She hates standing still for photos!

Apple picking can be sexy...

So... 2012. Who wants to come apple picking with me?!?!

Motherhood...

2011-10-06T01:00:00.001-04:00

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." -- Orson Welles

Orson Welles = Not A Mother

School Time

2011-09-27T15:23:00.001-04:00

Lilian started pre-school this year. The plan was to send her to this super awesome private school (on the scholarship we were hoping to score) because a relative of ours has an "in." But the relative flaked, and time slipped away from me... and suddenly it was September and Lilian wasnt registered for school! My fault for counting on someone else, his fault for making promises he had no intention of keeping. Anyway, so i called around. One school had a 15 kid wait list, one never called me back, and one said they had a few spots left... so i said i'll take it! I had taken Lilian to a ballet class at the facility before, so i had toured the building and seen the nursery classroom before. It's a new and beautiful facility. They also do after school programs for kids and teens, daycare, dance/yoga classes, birthday parties, etc. It is reasonably close to where i work which makes drop off/pick up simpler. And the price wasnt too outrageous. So i got Lilian an appointment for a physical the next day at her pediatrician, filled out the paperwork, gave a deposit, and she started school 4 days later. Last minute, but it all worked out.

Of course we all had concerns about the first day of school, but i think she had a good concept of "school" from TV. We hyped it for a week, took her to pick out a new lunchbox (an adorable Scooby Doo one), and the first day arrived. She had never been left alone anywhere except a friend/relative she knows well for babysitting, so this was a first. I didnt know whether or not to expect tears or what. (BTW, in case you didnt know, she turned 3 on August 13.) I brought her into the classroom, set her down with a teacher, and said "Mommy has to go to work, i'll be back after school to pick you up." She stared at me like a deer in headlights, completely frozen in fear. I hurried out and when i looked in the window 2 minutes later, she was still frozen. But no protests and no tears. When i came back a little over 4 hours later, she was excited to show me the classroom, and she cried because she had to leave.

She's in her 4th week of school now. She's going 3 days a week, from 8:45-1PM and she has lunch there. The first three weeks, she cried every single day when i picked her up. And not a little. Full on meltdowns, and i had to carry her out... while carrying the 25 pound one-year-old i take care of too. Not fun. She'd protest "no home" and "don't take me." Way to make me feel awesome, Lilian. Some of the kids stay until 5-6PM (and some leave at 11am) so it's not like everyone is leaving. I promise her she'll be back, the teacher walks us to the door and gives Lily hugs and kisses, still hysterics. It must partially be that she's overtired, because in th 15-20 minute drive to drop her off at home, she passes out. She is NOT a morning person. Still, it's been rough.

Last Friday though, Missy broke the cycle by sending me with a $1 plastic zebra in a bag... a "surprise" if she didnt cry. Well, she was hesitant to leave, but no crying, and she got her prize. And yesterday, the first day of week 4, she carried her own lunchbox to the car, and no crying! Hopefully, it'll "stick" because the 3x a week tantrums were getting exhausting.

Though, it is great that she loves school so much! She waves over her shoulder (if she remembers) running into the classroom when i drop her off. And school has become a bribe too. "You have to come grocery shopping and be good, because we need lunch food to send you to school with." And you must shower even though you dont feel like it now... if you wanna go to school, etc. She normally protests being woken up, but if it's for school, she gets up early.

I only have one concern about the school. I wonder how academic it is (vs. more of a daycare situation). They send home weekly curriculums and daily schedules, but when i drop her off, it's playtime and when i pick her up, the full day kids are going down for naps. Lily is not great about answering questions, so i really have no idea what really goes on during the day. She did 2 cute art projects... one was footprints in paint back to back, with popsicle stick and pipe cleaners to make a butterfly. One was a painted hand/armprint to make a family tree... then stamps around it for her family members with everyone's names. I walked in on story time once. But beyond that, i have no idea. The facility has an outdoor playground, and indoor inflatable bouncy castle/slide, gymnasium, games, a blacklight disco dance room they use, etc. So i assume theyre doing lots of various activities, but i just kinda wish i knew what. And learning... she can recognize her alphabet, 1-13, sing the alphabet and count 1-13. But i would like for her to learn to spell her name, start writing, drawing, etc. I have no idea how much of that goes on/will go on. Another issue, is that you can choose which 2 or 3 days your kid goes... and some kids leave at 11, some at 1, some at 5-6... so it's a different mix of kids each day. Also, there seems to be only one class... there is a birthday chart and i'd say about 9 of the 13 kids were born in 2008 like Lily, but two were born in 2009, one in 2007, and one seems to be only 18 months old! I know traditional schools do NOT mix ages in the class. So in those two ways, i guess it's more daycare-like... though they claim it's "pre-school" and they do have lessons, etc. I think the building is fairly new, and this program is extremely new, so maybe it's still in development. She is getting independance and socialization so that's important, i just worry that there's not enough learning. Then again, it's only 4 weeks in so we'll see. I wonder if there are parent conferences or something. We pay by the week, so it's not like i'm locked in... but i also hate to switch schools since she loves it so much.

Some funny feedback I got, is that Lilian is trying to kiss the other kids. I guess I have the kissy kid. Not sure what to make of that...

All in all, though, it's been a really positive experience for all of us. I'm so proud of her independence and social skills (she can be shy, so i am so glad she's blossoming in a situation with out us present). I hope the school doesnt disappoint and she brings home more cute projects!

Hurricane Prep

2011-08-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

Well, we're all ready for Hurricane Irene. We're very coastal, and right in its path, so we're a little nervous. We have LOTS of bottled water, non-perishable food, dog food, candles, flashlights, TP, etc. Missy is right now taping up our windows, and the car has a full tank of gas.

About 24 hours from now, we'll feel the hurricane in its full force, whatever that is...

Here Goes!

Earth has its own "Jupiter" spot!

Predicted Hurricane Path

In the very center, you can see "Springs"... that's where we live.

The little red marker is our house on these 3 maps...

Click any of these photos to see them larger.

i love Ruby!

2011-07-30T23:02:00.002-04:00

My best friend, Ruby.

A 3 time Drunk Driver to get off with No Jail Time in The Hamptons

2011-07-21T20:46:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine I grew up with (nursery school through high school) contacted me last week to ask if I had seen the news clip about a mutual friend of ours (whom we also knew K-12) who had been in a car accident. She wanted to know if I had heard that the third-time-offender drunk driver was getting off with almost no penalty. And she wanted to let me know that it was happening right HERE in my home town. Is this something I'd want to write about? Absolutely, Jaimie!

So I got in touch with Lindsay, the car accident victim (one of four actually), and she told me her story and shared some of her personal photos with me (and has given me permission to share them here.)

On November 27, 2010, Lindsay's husband Matthew was driving their BMW SUV westbound on Montauk Highway in Bridgehampton when another SUV (a Range Rover, I believe) swerved over the yellow line into their lane. Matthew swerved and avoided a head on collision, but there was a side-swipe type impact that nearly took the whole side of the car out. All four passengers (edited to correct: the two men were in the front, and the two women rode in the back) were bruised and battered, but exited the car. Lindsay was covered in blood from neck to forehead with obvious facial injuries, and the 16-week pregnant woman in the backseat was suffering shortness of breath. After cops arrived and what seemed like an eternity for an ambulance to arrive, they were taken to the hospital where it was discovered that their pregnant friend suffered an injured, possibly broken rib, and Lindsay had a severely broken nose, broken orbital socket, and contusions to a previously injured knee. Lindsay had surgery immediately following and has to have one more later this year, and the friend went through the rest of her pregnancy with the pain of a healing rib and the uncertainty that there was no harm done to her unborn child. Lindsay's one and a half year old son at home also paid a price, because his mother wasn't able to pick him up or hold him for a month, which is something an infant certainly can't understand.

When the officer at the scene approached the other vehicle, the woman driving was obviously drunk, had the smell of alcohol on her breath, and they found a Starbucks coffee cup with her name on it, full of red wine in her cup holder. Not only was she driving under the influence, but she was drinking BEHIND THE WHEEL! She failed a field sobriety test, admitted to having some wine, and refused a breathalyzer. She was arrested on site. She admitted to drinking to the officer, which is reflected in the police report.

Her name is Charlotte Depersia, she is a wealthy and well known broker at the prestigous Corcoran real estate group in The Hamptons. (Edited to correct: she WAS a broker, but was fired from Corcoran the day after the accident). She's 58, I believe, and this is her THIRD arrest for drunk driving. This time she was charged with Felony DWI, Vehicular Assault, Driving with an Open Container, and crossing the median. She has pleaded guilty to all four charges and due to be sentenced on August 23 of this year. But here's the kicker: Judge William Condon has conditionally promised her no jail time (this conditional plea agreement is public record, info accessible to anyone). She will get off with probation and community service (for which I'm sure we won't see her picking up trash on the side of the highway.) Her lawyer is a former head of the Suffolk County Bar Association and her husband, Gary Depersia, is the top real estate broker on the East End. Should her own wealth, her husband's notariety, and her lawyer's prestige get her off the hook?

Clearly probation and/or loss of license has not stopped this woman. If she's been arrested three times for DUI, what's the likeliood that those are the only times she's done it? Had she not learned her lesson the first and second time? And now a third time, people have gotten hurt. Are we waiting for her to kill someone? Is that what it'll take to get her off the streets? She is literally a danger to society, and still out there, free to drink and drive even today and tomorrow if she wishes.

Lindsay and Matt ask that you please write a letter to the judge, asking him not to suspend her sentence. Let him know that jail time is appropriate for a third time offense.

Honorable William J. Condon
Supreme Court, Suffolk County
210 Center Drive
Riverhead, NY 11901

Since I know that a lot of people just won't take the effort to put a letter on to paper and actually put it in the mail (though I wish you would), I am also going to link to my OWN letter here... and ask that you leave a comment, with your real name and address, and in August, before the sentencing, I will print up my letter along with all of your comments and names/addresses and send it to the judge on your behalf. Hopefully we can be a hundred voices strong by the time this comes to sentencing.
My letter: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/07/letter-to-judge-william-condon-of.html

Below, are some photos... of Lindsay and her family, of Lindsay immediately after the accident and post-surgery. And photos of their vehicle, taken with a cell phone at the time of the accident (it was dark). All of these photos are property of Lindsay and Matthew and are published here with their permission. These photos may not be copied or used anywhere else on the web without permission.
Also are some links of places where the news has covered this story as well as a video of a recent interview that Lindsay had.

Besides the already stated fact, that I grew up with Lindsay (though we lost touch after high school, except for Facebook of course!) this story really hits me hard for two reasons.

First of all, this occurred only a few miles from my house, and the drunk driver lives and/or works in my town. I don't know her personally, nor does anyone I know. I know nothing about her other than what the news articles tell me. But it all seems irrelevant. I don't care what she is like as a person, I don't care how much money she has, who she knows, or what she does for the town. What i do know, is that she was BUSTED three separate times for driving drunk, and for me, that is three times too many. She is free now, and probably will remain so, unless the judge changes his mind. If I were to get in the car right now and take my daughter to the supermarket or out for ice cream, there would be a chance that we would be sharing the road with her. She has obviously made a habit out of drunk driving, and what's to say that she didn't run out of wine right at this minute, and decided to get in the car, already drunk to get more. And what's to say that this time it won't be MY car with MY little girl in it that she crashes into. Or my local family's, friends', or YOURS? To me, it seems like a case of someone thinking she's above the law, or she won't get caught, or she can buy her way out of anything. Probation hasn't stopped her before. Suspending her license doesn't seem to work either. And a fine probably won't work either... there's always more money to be made. This is where I live, a town that is safe for children to grow up in. But i see a danger out there, and it's real. I haven't lived here long, but my wife and her family lived here for 25 years (and still do)... and because of that we know a lot of people in the community. I don't want it to be one of THOSE innocent people that are injured or killed next. Jail time is appropriate and may be the only way to keep HER off the streets, and to send a message to anyone else that drunk driving will not be tolerated in the place where we live and raise our children.

Lindsay has also told me that her accident left her fearful. She is terrified to drive at night, especially on Montauk Highway. She's terrified that every car she passes may be the one to swerve and hit them head on (again) and this time with her son in the car, or perhaps killing her and her husband this time. She cried for months after the accident imagining the what-if's. What if her son had been with them? What if they weren't in a safe SUV that could withstand the Land Rover's collision? What if Matthew had turned a second too late and they got hit head on? Besides the daily pain that she has been living with for the past 8 months, she lives with daily anxiety surrounding the incident. This is something I can totally relate to, as I went through the same thing in 2002.

My car accident in 2002 did not involve alcohol, or even another vehicle. The driver of the car I was in, simply had an accident, drove off the road, and into a ditch. But it was a horrifying experience for me, that I relived in nightmares and could play over and over again in my head like a horrible movie. The visual experience didn't fade for years. I was left with a burst fracture of my spine, a broken right femur, two broken bones in my left ankle, and four broken bones in my left foot. I had no less than 4 surgeries to fix it all (I lost track) and was left with metal implants that I'll have for the rest of my life. I spent 6+ weeks in hospitals, then months and months in a wheelchair and in physical therapy relearning how to walk. It took me over a year to be able to climb stairs again. It took about 3 years before I was brave enough to get a pedicure again, because the surgeries on my foot (I had a fasciotomy where my foot was filleted open on all sides) left my nerves raw and just the slightest touch to my foot sent pain shooting up my whole leg. To this day, my right thigh is completely numb, and we're unsure if it's from the broken femur bone cutting through nerves, from the surgeries, or from the spinal injury. For 12 weeks, I wore a body cast from breasts to waist to keep a sliver of bone that had slightly penetrated my spine from digging deeper and paralyzing me. And now for 9.5 years, I have lived with daily pain and scars as a reminder. In most ways, I have moved on. But on a bad day, a stranger will still ask me why I walk with a limp. Some days the back/hip pain is so debilitating that I can't face the thought of walking further than the couch to the bathroom. After the accident, a change in lifestyle started my weight gain, something I still struggle with to this day. And depression became a major issue, it was a few months after the accident that I started taking anti-depressants. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks, and to this day can't ride an airplane and rarely do as a passenger in a car. If you were to meet me today, you'd probably never guess I went through such a horrible ordeal, but if you knew me before, you'll know that I was never the same again. My life changed that day.

Since then, I have been fanatical about car safety. From speed limits, to vehicle safety ratings, to carseat regulations, and of course and especially drunk driving. My accident was simply that, an accident. And there will be accidents in this world, that's a fact of life. But sometimes they are avoidable. And alcohol related accidents are completely avoidable. There is just simply no reason to drink and drive. Either don't drink. Or don't drive. Call a cab. Call a friend. Hell, call me! I don't care. But don't get behind the wheel drunk. I know in exactly what ways you can ruin someone's life, and I also know in which ways you can END someone's life. It's just inexcuable. I do what I can to make sure I'm never in that situation again, but I cannot control what YOU do to PUT me in that situation. I can't never ride in a car again... I need to work, and shop, and take my daughter to the zoo. It's not fair that someone else's choice can end all that for me just because she couldn't leave her wine at home, or call a cab to take her where she needed to go.

If you agree. If you think drunk driving penalties should be taken seriously. If you want to keep drunk drivers off the road where you, your parents, your children, and your friends live... please help Lindsay, Matt, and all the citizens of the East End make sure this is handled in an appropriate manner. Probation/community service for a third offense is not appropriate. We do not need to WAIT for Charlotte Depersia to kill someone before she faces jail time. We need to say, enough is enough.

(Click on any of the images to see them larger. All images property of Lindsay Soyka and may not be reproduced or used elsewhere on the web, in print, or on TV.)

The wrecked SUV that Lindsay rode in.

Lindsay's blood spattered on the running boards on the car.

Lindsay in the hospital, after her first surgery.

Recovering from surgery.


Lindsay's injuries.

Other places on the web you can read about this:

http://therealdeal.com/newyork/articles/corcoran-hamptons-agent-charlotte-depersia-arrested-for-second-drunk-driving-offense

http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/corcoran_broker_busted_for_dwi_IvclXlPBcmLuXlZsNzR2VK

http://easthampton.patch.com/articles/east-hampton-woman-charged-with-two-felonies-in-bridgehampton-drunk-driving-accident

http://therealdeal.com/newyork/articles/hamptons-corcoran-broker-busted-for-dwi-gary-depersia-east-hampton

Charlotte Depersia's headshot.

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/video?id=8250495

Again, please send your letter here:

Honorable William J. Condon
Supreme Court, Suffolk County
210 Center Drive
Riverhead, NY 11901

Or go leave your name/address/and comments on my letter to be printed and mailed to the judge.
My letter: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/07/letter-to-judge-william-condon-of.html

Matthew, Lindsay, and their son, Tyler.

Letter to Judge William Condon of Suffolk County

2011-07-21T20:34:00.001-04:00

THIS IS A LETTER I WILL BE MAILING TO THE JUDGE OF SUFFOLK COUNTY IN REGARDS TO A LOCAL DRUNK DRIVING INCIDENT. READ ABOUT IT HERE: http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/07/3-time-drunk-driver-to-get-off-with-no.html

PLEASE SEND YOUR OWN LETTERS TO:
Honorable William J. Condon
Supreme Court, Suffolk County
210 Center Drive
Riverhead, NY 11901

I'D LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK AND SUPPORT... LET'S SHOW HIM HOW STRONG OUR VOICES ARE. LEAVE COMMENTS AND I WILL SEND THEM ALONG WITH MY LETTER. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR REAL NAME AND ADDRESS.

Dear Judge William J. Condon,

I was a classmate of Lindsay Soyka's for kindergarten through twelfth grade, and I am a resident of East Hampton. I have heard that in the accident involving Mrs Soyka and Charlotte Depersia, who was driving drunk at the time, you plan to sentence her to community service and probation, with a promise of no jail time. As a citizen of Suffolk County, I have to say that I am extremely disappointed.

I am a mother of a 3 year old and a survivor of a car accident that almost left me paralyzed, and to think that this three time offender may be free to drink while intoxicated again and again in the future sickens me. I don't want to drive on these streets with my daughter in the car, knowing that she walked virtually free and clear after the injuries she caused, and that the next time she crashes while drunk, it may be fatal... and it may be me.

Please penalize her to the full extent of the law. Please show her and everyone else, that DUI is taken seriously here. That our community IS a safe place to raise our children, and that a blatant disregard for others and for the law won't be tolerated.

We are counting on you to do the right thing and make sure this never happens again.

I have asked my community to send you letters with their own words, but those unable to, will leave their words and contact info here and I will send it with my own letter. Please hear the strong voices of our community and know that we take this very seriously. Our lives are at stake.

Sincerely,

Dana Alison
Springs, East Hampton, NY
lilfamily13.blogspot.com
lilfamilyblog@gmail.com


The Alison Family, March 2010

Happy Birthday, Spock!!!

2011-07-19T00:23:00.001-04:00

We celebrated a family birthday this weekend. Spock turned one! (Sometime between March 7 and July 7 according to internet research, since I'm not sure how old a Beta is when you get him at Petco.)

For Lilian's 2nd birthday, we wanted to get her a fish... her OWN pet. She just loves watching fish, and she's very good about remembering to feed him (and Missy is even BETTER at remembering, in case Peanut forgets). At a science museum in Lancaster, PA on August 13, 2010, Missy and Brontis picked out a "Fish in Space" fish bowl. Spock was added to our family a few weeks later.

Lilian in Petco picking out a fish. 9/7/10


The plastic "take out" cup that Spock used to call home.

Spock moves into his new home... Lilian is equally thrilled!

Look! 9/7/10

We moved in late October/early November 2010 and Spock stayed at my sister-in-law's house for a few weeks while we settled in. When we moved him here (a 45+ minute car ride) he wasn't looking so good. For a week, we almost thought we were going to lose him, he was lethargic and couldn't really stay upright. Missy did some research and took really good care of him, and within a week or two he was back to his normal, awesome self! Now Spock lives on an awesome vintage painted-red tiny dresser (that we found in the basement of our new house) and Missy and Lily take really good care of him. It's almost a year since we got him, so we thought it was only right to throw him a birthday party like we do for everyone else in our house (dogs included).

Spock's birthday "party"

Cupcakes in underwater/worms/sharks theme.

Spock's birthday banner, drawn by Brontis!

We had house guests this weekend, so they joined in on the celebration. Lilian and Missy baked the cupcakes (lemon) and Val filled them with raspberry filling. After they were iced, Missy and Hillary (she has a BFA) decorated them with seaweed (icing), gummy sharks, and gummy worms. Brontis drew Spock his birthday banner (if the drawing looks familiar to you, but you can't place it... look here). And we celebrated a year of happiness with the smallest member of our family.

Happy 1st Birthday, Spock!

While you're here, PLEASE vote for my blog on Picket Fence blogs... and RATE my blog (10 stars!) on Top Mommy Blogs! Just CLICK! <3

GUEST BLOGGER: You Are A Good Mother

2011-07-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

Once a week, Lil Family Blog will be hosting guest bloggers. Here's one that was submitted to me that made me smile.

You Are a Good Mother

by Erin Wallace

I don't know about you, but as a blogger I read a lot of gorgeous blogs by supermamas. And they really are supermamas with absolutely no pretense, doing an amazing job raising, loving, and (or maybe not) homeschooling their kids. It can make a mom feel less than adequate. Let's review.

William would like to eat this for every meal (and when it's not this, it's toaster waffles or macaroni and cheese):

Supermama's somehow get their toddlers to eat this:

The supermama's way of raising children consists of:

* super-organized learning environments with children who know what a dodecahedron is at 3.

* children who break out in the praise songs of Michael W. Smith, not "Disco Stick" by Lady Gaga.

* Children who don't steal toys from playmates (and actually know and practice the meaning of the word "share"), and never think of bashing said playmate over the head with said unstolen toy.

* Mom's either model head to toe organic, zero-carbon-footprint wardrobe and have dewy skin from make-at-home-with-veggies-from-the-garden facial products and blissed out countenance (while being key members of the "cool moms" clique)

Model stellar thinness, athletic ability, perfectly in place hair and make-up, and amazing clothing put-togetheredness (while being key members of the "cool moms" clique)

* Mom attends every PTA meeting, raises thousands in the Yankee Candle sale, and still has time to previously pictured create delicious, homemade, healthy meal while coif is perfect and clothing is super put-togethered. Oh, and all the laundry is done!

In this laundry room

NOT this one!

* Toddlers don't fall on the ground in a kicking tantrum and run for the hills (or behind the couch) at the mention of the word "potty."

* The answer to every request, question, or sentence isn't "NO!!!!" Followed by running and hiding behind the couch.

* Oh, and they definitely have never sat on the cat for fun. Repeatedly.

Do you love your children and do they know it? Are you consciously trying to teach them how to be good, kind, moral individuals? Do you read and play with them, sing to them, pay attention and help when they need it? Have you kept them from dismembering an arm or leg, or from falling from high places (and from climbing onto said high places), or otherwise injuring themselves or others on a continual basis (unforeseen injuries, fluke accidents, and occasional toddler fights notwithstanding)?

Most importantly, when they look at you, can you feel the love that they have for you?

If you can answer yes to these questions, pat yourself on the back. You are a good mother.

On those days when you want to drive out into the country and push your children out of the car and speed away, go look in the mirror and say to yourself "You are a good mother."

When your teenager uses cuss words that you didn't even know existed to describe how she feels about you at that moment, remind yourself, "You are a good mother."

When your house looks as if a cyclone went through it, the dishes are piled to the ceiling, and your perfectionist mother-in-law unexpectedly shows up, take a deep breath and remind yourself that You are a good mother.

When you have to explain to the doctor that your child really DID get that black eye by stepping on the end of a rake, stare her back in her naturally suspicious eyes and say out loud, "You know what? I am a good mother!"

Because you know what? You are.

****************************************************************************

Erin Wallace is a former pediatrician turned SAHM of four children ranging in age from 4 to 18. She started writing Dropped Stitches in 2008 as a knitting blog, but it's since evolved into a blog about life, family, mothering, cooking, faith, photography, and whatever else tickles her fancy. She can bake a mean apple pie, wishes Rachael Ashwell would design her house (for free), and wishes she could sing like Chaka Khan.
"You Are a Good Mother", originally posted March 22, 2011. All words are photos were submitted to me by her and remain her property.

Erin Wallace

Check out Erin's blog, Dropped Stitches.

And... vote for me here, please! <3
Just click!

The Situation... just got better

2011-07-14T14:18:00.001-04:00

So, before we moved into our new house, we came to dropr some stuff off and clean a little. Lilian and I were playing in the backyard, and I found a box turtle. (See photo below with Lilian in the pink shirt... that's from 10/7/10). Our landlady was outside and she told us that he'd been here for years and years, and her BFF (who owned our house before she died), always worried about him. We named him The Situation, because of his rock hard shell.

Over the winter, I often thought about him. Wondered if he was OK. If he was lonely. See, our backyard is fenced in (to keep dogs in, and deer out). So he has been confined to our wooded yard for probably 5-10+ years. He can't go out and explore, nor can other turtles come in. I thought about freeing him, but decided against it, what if he loves it here and has a home. I decided to just leave him as is.

Well, this morning, The Situation made his second appearance in our "dog run" (a smaller area we fenced in against the house, so our chihuahuas don't go and get lost in the ivy and thick woods of our yard). Missy found him and brought him inside to say hi to Lily and me. I was actually pretty happy to see him. We decided to put some apple pieces outside for him. (Two other photos below are from this morning, Missy took them with her iPhone before freeing him).

But when she went out the back door to free him... who was there waiting for him but a slightly smaller box turtle! (A wife?) We liberated them both over the dog fence, into the large part of our yard. (The female then proceeded to bury herself in dirt/sand... we have no idea why. Maybe she was scared?)

But my summer instantly got a lot better. I no longer have to worry if The Situation is lonely, he has a friend! (Who I will call Snookie, due to the large BUMP she has on top). Maybe they aren't mates, I'm not sure of their gender, or maybe they are parent & child. Maybe they're even strangers and they just met for the first time. A backyard can be pretty big when you're an eight inch turtle. But I'm genuinely relieved and thrilled to know that The Situation isn't alone out there in our wooded abyss.

Sadly, when we found Turtle 2.0, we didn't take a photo. But I hope one day they emerge again, and I can take photos of our happy turtle neighbors.

Won't You Be My Neighbor... Win a $100 cash Giveaway from WhitePages.com

2011-07-13T00:07:00.001-04:00

I grew up in a northern New Jersey suburb of New York City, on a cul-de-sac block named after a fireman from our town. My parents (and therefore I) knew every neighbor on our block. First and last names, kids, religions, professions, and pets. As a kid I got hand-me-down Halloween costumes, books, and games from the girl about 10 years older than me that lived next store (her name was Mandy). I remember when the little girls across the street, Jennifer and Jessica, were born (they were about 10 and 12 years younger than me), and when my own daughter was born (twenty years later), their parents sent me a baby gift via my mom. A guy from my grade lived on my block, Chris, and he always walked his black fluffy dog past my house after school while I sat by the window and had a snack in the kitchen. One night the house at the crown of the cul-de-sac burnt down, and the entire block came outside and stood together in the street and watched the firemen put it out. When it was time for Girl Scout cookies or other fundraisers like that, my mom felt safe sending us out on our block... she knew everyone! I remember as a kid the neighbors on either side of us had teenage daughters, and they both babysat for me. And then when I was a teenager, and the block had "turned over" some, I babysat for some our our neighbors: Michael & Jason, Rachel & her little brother, etc. It was a community.

But as an adult, I have lived in several different cities and states. Apartments and condos and houses. I've both rented and owned. And in the past 11 years post-college, I don't think I have known more than one neighbor's name per address. In New York City, people just turn all twelve deadbolts with their keys, heads down, and hurry out of the building. In Hoboken, a knock on your door meant that a neighbor wanted to complain TO you or ABOUT you. And in our last house, we waved to some of the neighbors and shouted "hello" over 6 foot fences, but never were introduced. And we moved into our current house in November, and on Halloween we went trick-or-treating with Lilian and introduced ourselves to our next-door-neighbors on one side (with Lilian in the cutest Nemo suit ever) and were met with complete disinterest. She didn't even tell me her name in response.

I'm not sure if it's like this everywhere nowadays, but I know that it has only been my experience. And it's sad to think that Lilian won't experience that same feeling of community that my brother and I had when we were kids.

One company thought that they should do something about this...

WhitePages.com is announcing WhitePages Neighbors, a new free Block Party organizer and contact lookup product to help find the names and contact information for neighbors to promote neighborhood spirit, community partnerships and local safety. Despite the fact that most American adults who have neighbors (93%) say it’s important for neighbors to look out for each other’s safety, a new survey conducted online in June 2011 by Harris Interactive on behalf of WhitePages found that more of them can identify most of their neighbors’ cars (47%) than most of their neighbors’ first names (41%) and that more of them (27%) know most of their neighbors’ pets more than most of their neighbors’ kids (24%). National Night Out is coming up on August 2nd, which 37 million People participated in last year. In partnership with National Night Out, we’d like to help people plan even more block parties this year to help neighbors get to know each other (organize Neighborhood Watch programs, plan block parties, organize play dates, organize garage sales).

The new Whitepages Neighbors product offers an aerial map of U.S. household contact information, including first and last name, mailing address, associated household members, and phone number to help neighbors more effectively get in touch. Going beyond making it easy to look up neighbors’ names and contact information, WhitePages has partnered with the National Night Out (NNO) to make it easy to plan a Block Party within a few clicks without having to worry about tracking down neighbor’s names and contact information by sending personalized postcard invites via the U.S. Postal Service for free. "If you look at the 1940s and the 1950s, neighborhoods were safer places because people knew each other. Neighborhoods today are not as tightly knit as they used to be, even with Facebook and other social media tools at their disposal,” said Matt Peskin, Executive Director, National Association of Town Watch and creator of National Night Out. With the survey discovering that 34% of American adults who have neighbors do not feel comfortable asking their neighbors to keep an eye on their home when they go away, WhitePages and NNO hope people will use “Neighbors” Block Party invites to foster relationships that lead to effective neighborhood watch initiatives that promote local safety.

Try it out here: http://neighbors.whitepages.com/

For those concerned about privacy, you can log on and DELETE/edit/customize the information about yourself you'd like shown! But for starters, whatever info has been gathered about you and your family will be publically viewable.

Watch the Video to SEE how it all works!

The White Pages Neighbors home page looks like this...

And this is what the (real paper) postcard will look like that will be sent (for free!) to all your neighbors when you host a block party!

And to get everyone excited and ready for summer BBQs and block parties, Lil Family Blog is hosting a $100 cash giveaway to put towards summertime fun! (See disclosures and rules below for details).

Here's how to enter!

Mandatory Entry:

You must be a public follower of my blog either via Google reader/friend connect or Networked blogs. (See left sidebar to sign up). Just leave a comment and tell me about summer plans you have! (Also tell me your name with which you're registered as a follower and an email where I can get in touch with you if you win!)

Additional Entries (all worth one unless otherwise specified) Please leave SEPARATE comments for each entry you are entitled to:

* Like Lil Family Blog on Facebook
* Click on both the "Top Mommy" brown button and "Picket Fence" buttons on the right of my page to vote for Lil Family Blog on both sites. (worth 1 total entry each day. You can do this once a day.)
* Leave a comment on any OTHER non-giveaway blog post. (You can do this once a day also).
* Click on the black Swagbucks button on the right and sign up as my referral. (Will be verified on the Swagbucks site).
* Add one of my buttons to your site (again, on the right of my page, copy the text below the button and then paste it onto the sidebar of your blog). Worth 2 entries. You must link me to your webpage where I can see the button.
* Post about this giveaway on your blog or site and leave me a link where I can see it.
* Share this contest on Facebook. (Can be done easily with the little "F" icon on the bottom of this entry near the comments).
* Add me to your blogroll/blog list on your site. (Again, link me to your site where I can see it.)
* Tweet about this! Post THIS on Twitter: " Visit Lil Family Blog for a chance to win $100 from WhitePages Neighbors. @dana_rubyfruit http://lilfamily13.blogspot.com/2011/07/wont-you-be-my-neighbor-win-100-cash.html " (You can do this once a day and get an additional entry every day).
* You get one additional entry for every friend/family member you get to enter (they have to leave an extra comment saying who sent them).

RULES: This contest will end on July 23, 2011 at 11:59PM EST, no more entries will be accepted after that time. The winner will be chosen at random and announced within a day or two on the blog. If the winner does not provide an email address and/or does not contact me within 48 hours of the winner announcement on the blog, a new winner will be chosen. Winner must have a U.S.A. address where the prize will be shipped. The prize will be shipped directly from WhitePages to the winner within a reasonable amount of time. Please see my disclosure link on the top of the page for fine print. The prize will be in the form of a prepaid Visa card for $100. I cannot be responsible for unreceived, lost, broken, defective, or otherwise "bad" items.

All info about White Pages Neighbors was provided by them. I was not compensated in any way for this post, with the exception of the $100 gift to be given to a blog reader. Any facts and information provided to me has not been verified or checked by me and is not necessarily my opinion.

FLASHBACK #2: The Beginning of my Search

2011-07-12T02:08:00.000-04:00

Since I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on my blog last week on adoption, this week's Flashback post will be related. Below are some of the blog posts I made WHILE I was going through some of the process....

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Posted on June 8, 2007

Today, I did something pretty massively life-impacting. I asked my mother for my adoption papers/info. I don't know exactly what she has, because I never wanted to see. She offered me info and to answer all my questions numrerous times since I was 16 or so, but I always declined. Once, when I was about 22, I asked for a few minor details after her really pushing the topic... and got about 5 facts. But because she has offered up this info on so many occasions, I feel like she has something more than minor details. And even if she doesn't, with the official paperwork, I can search for health records and other vital statistic stuff. The need to know my medical history (for more than one reason actually) sparked this thought process, but its not like I haven't been curious for about 25 years! I guess I just never wanted to open that Pandora's box... who the hell needs more drama? I'm a pussy, so I emailed it to her, not called her. When the package comes in the mail, I'm not sure if I'll even open it. Maybe just having it will be enough for now. I'm not planning any family reunions, hell no. But I'd like some facts, and health records, knowledge of siblings existance, maybe photos or physical descriptions, etc. No meetings, NO phone calls, no emails, etc. Maybe there won't even be anyone to call. But after nearly 28 years, I finally feel like maybe its time to stop wondering. So, now I hold my breath as I await my mother's return email. I emailed her this: "Hey, mom. I feel weird asking this, but I probably shouldn't because I'm pretty sure you've volunteered this to me on several occasions, but I never really had a reason to care. I'd like you to mail me copies of all my personal papers, including adoption papers and any info & paperwork you have, medical records, etc. I have a few reasons for wanting to know family medical history stuff, and even if you don't have it, I can probably get/find it with a little more info. (And I don't have cancer or any weird illnesses or need a kidney or anything... nothing like that. And I'm not planning any family "reunions" either. I just want to know for myself.) Thanks in advance. (Please email me back to let me know you received this.) Oh, and I don't want to talk about it over the phone... its still hard for me totalk about, i'd rather just "see". I can't even explain what it took for me to actually write that email... of course years of anticipation, but it took extreme strength to sit down and actually press send. Its the first time I've ever inquired about it, ever, and it feels like a huge moment in my life. Even a glimpse at the official paperwork would be more info than I've ever had, or really ever wanted. So, yeah, this is major.
By the way... anyone reading... anyone else adopted???

Papers Came

Posted on June 13, 2007

I got the papers from my mom. There was a very nice note on the top that said "This is all the information I have. If you need more, call the agency and see if they can help. Any time you want to talk I'm here. Love, Mom." And she wrote the name/address/phone of the agency (its in NJ less than 30 miles from where I live now.) There were 3 different sheets with info. There is some very detailed stuff... but not a lot of info. I'm still digesting, so I'll write about it tomorrow. I apparently came from a bery very big family and have billions of relatives out there, which makes me want to contact/reunite even less!

However, all of this has made me too distracted to work...

A Very Personal Post about my Adoption Papers & Bio-Family

Posted June 18, 2007

I wrote last week how my mother sent me all the adoption paperwork, and its had a week to sink in. I wrote here why it was such a big deal for me... basically it was an end to 26 years of wondering / fantasizing / avoiding.

One of the papers she gave me (3 pages long) was a "Presentation form" - it was 3 pages of info about my "daily life" as a 3 week old. (I was born only 5 pounds and was in the hospital for 2 weeks... apparently). It had my daily schedule (what time I woke up, what time I took naps - about 4 a day - I wish it could still be like that! When I ate, etc.) What brand formula, and how much a day. And then a checklist of the shit I like:
Baby sleeps on: (back, stomach, side - all 3 were checked).
Baby naps outdoors in carriage - yes.
Baby sleeps though night (no). Baby uses a nightlight (no). Baby sleeps through ordinary house noises (yes). And baby enjoys being rocked to sleep (no).
Baby feeds from bottle (not spoon) while held in arms (not in a seat).
Baby uses/is used to - infant seat, swing, carriage, car bed, nursery bird (what the hell is a nursery bird?), TV, radio, children, visiting, rocking. (The unchecked ones were play pen, high chair, jump chair, stroller, cradle gym, safety strap, singing, pets.)
Baby never uses a pacifier.
Toiletries: soap = Ivory. Shampoo = Johnson's. No lotion. Johnson's powder.
Laundry: Coldpower detergent.
Can wear plastic pants day & night. (WTF is that?)
Comments: Loves to be held and talked to.
Then there's a bunch of info - like birth weight = 5 pounds,discharge weight = 6 lbs, 15 oz., birth length = 19.25 inches).
And the last thing on the page says "Baby is considered to be in good condition." No faulty merchandise here!

The second bit of stuff... was the Foster Home Record. (I didn't even know there was one). It basically has a list of stuff that babies do (lift head, props up on elbows to raise head/chest, travels on abdomen, turns over, follows moving objects with eyes, focuses and listens when spoken to, turns head to sound source, smiles as a response to attention, "talks" back, holds objects, etc. It says when they were "achieved". Some are blank (all the ones I wrote above were filled in) - and some filled in with either 3 or 6 weeks. Then, body strength - (passive, average, average & strong - they checked average. Disposition - restless/unhappy, pleasant but demanding when hungry/tired/soiled, non-demanding and sleeps through feedings. They checked the middle choice - pleasant but demanding! Eyes - markedly crossed, some crossing, no crossing but vague regard, or alert and focused. They checked some crossing. (What the fuck is that?) No illnesses or hospitalizations, no abnormalities, birth marks, etc.

And lastly... I was given the historical / physical / family background of the bio-parents. I don't feel like typing it all out... so you can look at it yourself here.

It was a lot to swallow all at once. The schedule & presentation form was cute... it maybe is even more than some people who aren't adopted have. (Some parents make baby books and record this stuff, but some don't!) The foster home record was weird... because I never knew I was in one... but I never asked either. Nothing really surprising, because most of the stuff is stuff my parents told me about my babyhood with them - my disposition, preferences, etc.

(I also found it kind of weird that there were no legal papers, contracts, forms, documents like that).

The family history... well, a few of the things I knew. The ethnicity (Hungarian), the musically-talented background (my mom really pushed me in my musical education), their ages, and the bio-mom's basic description. But everything about bio-dad was new, and everything about bio-grandparents & my NINE bio-aunts and bio-uncles... all new info! Kind of weird to read, because I come from a family... that's not really into family. I am really close with my maternal grandparents (my grandpa dies last year though) and parents/brother. But that's it. My paternal grandfather died when I was a kid, and my maternal grandmother and 2 paternal uncles/cousins/etc. dropped out of the picture when my parents got divorced when i was 12. My mom's brother lives far away, they have little in common, and he has no kids - so I've only met him a handful of times. So, my family has consisted of mom, dad, brother, grandma, and (now dead) grandpa - at least in the last 15-20 years. (We did some paternal family stuff when I was little, 9 and younger.) I wrote last year after my grandpa's funeral, how shocked I was to see all the family there that I didn't realize existed or wasn't dead! Also here - but there are some funeral photos on that page (none of the body though), so if funeral photos will upset you, don't look!
So to find out that bio-family has 9 siblings total is crazy to me. One can only assume that at least 1/2 of them if not all of them had kids... and potentially there could be 8-20+ bio-cousins out there! Maybe even in New Jersey. And since bio-mom was young... I can only assume that she later in life maybe got married, maybe had more children when she was ready? And maybe bio-dad already had children before me... or had some after?.. Bio-siblings maybe? A strange concept. I've never met anyone that looked like me. I can't imagine it.
(By the way... I am 5'6'', small framed but chubby/fat, i have dark blonde hair that was light as a child, fair skin, and grey eyes.) - So I'm not sure how I ended up with grey eyes with a bio-dad with brown + dark features, and a bio-mom with green eyes and both with brown hair... but whatever.

And, I'm sure the next obvious thought is... what now?
I don't know.

Thoughts/"Progress" On My Adoption Adventure

Posted on June 23, 2007

So... on the adoption front.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately - in forums, blogs, webpages, etc. about other people's experiences. I've read some pretty extreme views. (I hope you don't mind me posting this m_d).
"...While there have been legal gains to open records in many countries for the adults adopted as infants, to enable them to locate their natural mothers and through them, their fathers, the mothers themselves remain locked into the pain of what is a terrible, irresolvable grief, into reunion and often beyond.

The mothers of the children taken into what is now seen as a form of slavery, whereby an infant is stripped of all its legal rights to identity, including the loss of its entire genealogy through falsified birth records, continue to suffer. Even in reunion, the symptoms of the various psychiatric conditions directly caused by forced adoption haunt the mother whose 'cure' depends on the resilience of herself and her now grown infant, to forge a healthy relationship based on the mutual trust and affection that has been denied them since before the birth itself.

But even in the 'best case scenario' where there is a successfully bonded reunion, those lost years and that lost infant can never be regained. Both are gone forever. This is crazy making stuff for the mother.

There is no doubt that many, many adopted people suffer too - from a lack of identity, from a lack of a feeling of belonging in the 'right' family i.e. their natural family, from a feeling of 'unnaturalness' caused by being in a substitute home, often based on a lack of the attachment that was always supposed to happen according to the trite psychology applied by trite social workers to the children they displaced. It was believed - wrongly - that babies would automatically respond to affection from a stranger. It was also believed - wrongly - that the adopters would feel an automatic attachment to their new acquisitions.

Sadly, the two way attachment process happened far less often than was publicized by social workers covering their tracks, or covering up what they believed to be their own mistakes but were actually just a side product of adoption itself. The inevitability of failed adoption is inherent in the process of attempting to 'attach' people never meant by nature to belong together in the first place, a process destined to fail.

It is well known that when records open the adoption brokers panic. In the mid 1980's, when it became apparent that the New Zealand government would vote legislation to open birth records for adult adopted people, there were rumors of dire action being taken by social workers around the country. For instance, I was told at the time by a reliable source that social workers at a public hospital were keeping busy shredding adoption records.

Social workers were covering their tracks, including their illegal acts. Destroying official records meant breaking the law as well as professional ethics to obliterate records that would reflect badly on themselves. That these were the same people entrusted to place new born infants into sound homes with substitute parents showed us just how flimsy and how dangerous adoption law and practice actually is. It is unsound, unsafe, and totally unjustified.

The mothers of the children kidnapped for adoption during the 'baby scoop' era of thirty to forty years ago, were so damaged by the experience they are only now starting to speak out publicly about the crimes committed against them by the adoption industry and that happened with the full collusion of the state. Adoption has been proven to be a failed social experiment that has left a trail of destruction in its wake.

Stranger adoption should be considered a crime against humanity. It is experienced as an emotional death by the mother who does not recover;"(For) the saddest and most horrifying aspect of adoption is the amount of emotional damage inflicted upon the natural mother. To call her the 'birth mother' instead of the 'natural mother' allows her only the physical birth and denies her those feelings she wasn't supposed to have. By implication this makes the adoptive parents unnatural, but secret adoption cannot be considered natural when the real mother, the victim of this hit and run, is left battered shocked and damaged. Nothing could be more unnatural".

Like everywhere else, stranger adoption North American style can best be described as a 'hit and run', a non-accidental crash site with two primary victims, mother and child. But unlike everywhere else, it is apparent that what drives North American adoption is the money made by the baby brokers, those heinous people and their supporting organisations that traffic in human beings. They buy and sell infants and children. They import and export, just as the original slave traders did. Misery and mental illness are their environmental side products that are polluting the lives of their victims across generations..." - Copyright Joss Shawyer

I've also read about lots of happy happy reunions... and some miserable miserable sad endings (failure in locating parents/info, parents dead by the time they're found, parents won't accept the contact/communicaion, etc.) And what I really can't believe, it that I can't seem to find any OK (for lack of a better word, not happy, not sad) stories. Like: I found some info I didn't know before, and some/most of my curiosity is satisfied. Or maybe I looked into all possible sources, and I just seemed to hit a dead end, but I tried. Or, I located my natural family, but I've decided to leave well enough alone for now and not contact them. Etc. Everything just seems to be an extreme up or down. Maybe its that the people in the middle don't bother writing about it, because they lack the extreme joy or sorrow to actually feel like its worth writing about? Maybe I'm the only person that doesn't have a lot of emotions tied up in a hypothetical reunion?

I am experiencing one thing that I read about in some articles/blogs... that the adoption agencies are greedy and do it for business, not to help people. Once the transaction is complete, they want nothing more to do with the situation. I'm hitting a dead end already. Not that I tried hard. I've listed myself with all the major registries except ISRR and only because you have to do that one by mail, no internet registration, and for some reason, sending in the paper seems much more official and I haven't done it yet. I've searched all the registries to see if someone posted looking for me. I google searched all the info - the agency, the social worker's name, my birthday and birthplace, etc., and now if you do a google search - only I come up (the listings I've posted). How weird.
And lastly... I've tried calling the adoption agency. Twice so far. When I ask for someone who can answer questions about adoption, they always say that no one's available. I don't know if they even have any info that I don't have... but they obviously don't want to bother to look. Records 28 years old... I'm considering just going there in person, at least they have to look at me then! It's only about 30 minutes away from here. (I also emailed them and got no response.)

So... other than petitioning courts - and I don't even know what/where to petition for anyway... that seems to be my last avenue. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't contact them even if I did find out... maybe a letter/photo but definitely no phone calls, visits, etc. I don't know. I don't have much of a story to tell, I guess.

I totally have no negative feelings towards my adoption and the whole situation. I'm not angry or sad. I don't resent it and wish it didn't happen, nor am I glad that it did. It just is. I've been given every opportunity and all the support (most of the time) that a person could want. My childhood had its issues, but doesn't everyone's? How can you miss something that never existed to you? Perhaps I'm missed by someone else, but I don't remember my life before I was 4 or 5 or so, and especially not when I was 3-6 weeks old. And I'm not angry towards the people that gave me up, whatever their reason was. Had my life turned out badly, then maybe. But I have no hateful feelings. (I suppose it would be nice for them to know that...) It's not that I don't want to talk to/meet them because I'm angry or out of spite. Just because I don't want to. I don't feel like I need the drama in my life. For once, everything is going OK. I don't feel like I need more family, the ones I've got are naggy enough. (And family I do want is chosen... within my relationship, and my in-laws, and my friends who are like family, etc.) Would I like to know the circumstances of the adoption, of course. And would I like to see photos of biological relatives that may look like me? I'd love to! But I just don't want to make a big life explosion out of it.

To be honest, a lot of my personality comes from the very fact that I am adopted. I don't remember my mother ever telling me, I feel like I always knew. (I guess I was so young, I can't remember). Yes, it totally resulted in some negative characteristics - I'm very introverted, distant, and I keep my emotions pretty close to home. I'm kind of a loner and I suppose I do feel that loving something TOO much can be dangerous, because nothing is permanent. But at the same time, I have a sense of independence that most people can't even relate to. A freedom of sorts. Yes, I did often feel like I didn't fit in sometimes. But from that, I realized that I had to develop a "me" that I could count on. And that "me" could be whatever I wanted it to be, whatever felt natural. I didn't have the burden of having to live up to biological expectations. I'm not sure if this really makes sense to others reading... but...

Anyway, I did have a lot of myself entwined in this whole thing growing up, of course. But the older I get, the less I care. I'm not saying I never think about it... but it is what it is.

This is long and rambly... a mind puke...

**********************************************************************

(As a reminder... I didn't actually hear from my bio-mother until August 2009, so a LOT of time passed after these initial posts.)

While you're here... click this Picket Fence button for me to vote for Lil Family Blog! Just one click, no filling out of any info of any kind! I'm on Page 11 (of 94) of their site, Help me get to Page 1!

When Did She Get so BIG?!?!

2011-07-12T01:20:00.000-04:00

Once in a while I come across an "old" photo of Lilian (how old can it really be, she's not even 3 yet), and I just completely die of cuteness and *squee*. She is both beautiful AND adorable now... but I just miss that baby face.
Tonight's photos that made me squeal (along with a current photo showing how big she got!)

Lilian in Strasburg, PA November 2009

Lilian, East Hampton, NY June 4, 2011

Help Wanted...

2011-07-11T11:17:00.001-04:00

HELP WANTED

Lil Family Blog is looking to update both our look and our style soon. I'm looking for help from some other bloggers, designers, parents, and small businesses in the next few months to get the ball rolling. If any of these describe you and you'd like to participate and/or have some sort of exchange, please send me an email at LilFamilyBlog at gmail dot com. I can't pay (money) for any of these things... but i can advertise for you (run a button or ad in my sidebar, do a write up about your company, etc.), do something in trade (photo retouching, writing projects, etc.), or just be forever grateful.

1. Graphic Designers - i'm looking for a more updated and personalized look for the blog. I'd like to do away with the generic background and have a more uniform and stylized look to the blog.

2. Promotion - Lil Family Blog is on a few webring type sites (like Picket Fence... see the button on the right... please click it to vote for the blog!) And i'm on a few blogrolls on other blogs. But i know there are a lot more sites, blogs, and forums out there. If you host a site, if you're on one that you love, or if you have your own blog and you'd like to exchange buttons - please let me know. Let's help each other! And any internet savvy person who'd like to help promote and work on PR, i'd love to have you.

3. Weekly Guest Bloggers - i'd like to run a series of guest blogs from other points of view. If you blog, or just read blogs, or just have something to say, i'd love to hear it and share it. Lil Family Blog has a thousand+ followers and gets several thousand views a week; it's a good place to get heard if you'd like to. Looking for writers on: parenthood, gay/lesbian issues, adoption, New York/ Long Island relative issues, me, womanhood/feminism, humor, pregnancy and trying to get pregnant, dogs and pets, vegetarianism and being "green", travel, photography, marriage, family life, etc. Even if you've already blogged about it, i'd love to republish. I'd also love to guest blog for you and/or exchange articles!

4. Sponsers - Looking for advertisers, big and small. If you have a good product or website i can get behind, i'd love to host your ad and/or do an article/review for you.

5. Giveaways - to properly review (and photograph) a product actually takes a lot of time. But readers love giveaways. If you need attention for your product, more followers, Facebook fans, etc., and nearly free advertising... consumers love a giveaway. Contact me and we'll see if your product is a match for this blog. Great for made by hand items or small and upcoming businesses as well.

6. Related to a few of the items above, in August we'll be hosting a Birthday Bash month - where there will be daily posts, giveaways, products reviews, and all things TODDLER and birthday to celebrate Lilian's 3rd. Looking for sponsers, content, and products to feature.

7. Suggestions! Any ideas you'd like to see here, let me know! Any topic ideas you'd like to to cover, or things i've left unanswered, let me know.

8. Fundraising/Charity - i'd like to cover some good "causes", so if you help raise money for a cause related to anything i discuss in the blog and you'd like a write up or help promoting, please submit it to me for consideration. I'd like for my readers to have the chance to support good causes that might interest them.

If any of these are things you'd like to work with me on, please leave a comment or email me. (And on the flipside, if there's anything i can help you with, don't hesitate to ask.) The internet is a small place, let's help each other out.

And if this applies to anyone you know, please pass this on!

On Adoption

2011-07-10T03:09:00.001-04:00

Briefly here, I talk about my bio-family story, but this week I was asked by a friend to share my story and weigh in on a paper she's writing on adoption, and it somehow turned into an "in the beginning" type story... and a majorly long blog post that kinda talks about all things adoption. So here goes.

For Jesalyn.

SEARCHING

In June of 2007 is when we decided that we were ready to have a baby. I was 27 and Missy and I got married a few weeks later. Our first obvious step was: sperm. We needed some. So we considered all our options. We started with the anonymous donor catalogs, we went as far as to sign up with one, choose our samples (first, second, and third choices), fill out all the paperwork (with a witness signature), etc. But something didn't feel right about it. As an adopted child, I grew up with a feeling of mystery and isolation. Never enough to impact my life, but still, it felt strange to have no biological ties to anyone in the world. And I couldn't even imagine what it felt like to "look like" somebody. When I had to fill out medical paperwork with family history, I always had to write "unknown" or "n/a". Not a big deal really, but when it came time for me to actually PAY for our donor sperm, I realized I didn't want that for my child. Because not only would his/her father's biological side of the family tree be blank, but my side would be too, save for me. And i know a lot of people have empty bio-family trees and no medical histories, but I didn't want that for my child if I could help it. So, in the end we chose to have a known donor, and we asked a dear friend of ours... and that worked out "happily ever after", but that's not what this is about.

But all those thoughts of genetics (going through catalogs choosing based on height, eye and hair color, ethnicity, and genetic health disorders) had me thinking about my own. I know what I look like, but I was wondering what recessive genes I carried. And I was curious to know about medical problems that could arise in the future. If my bio-family carried a tendency to have early heart attacks, I wouldn't want to choose a donor with heart problems in his family and double that risk, etc. And this is when I decided that although I never wanted to or planned to search out my origins, that I was going to anyway.

My first step was to talk to my mom about it. I gave her the double shocker of telling her I wanted to search AND that I wanted to get pregnant. She was always very supportive and open (about the adoption thing) and she encouraged the search. She told me she didn't have much info but she'd mail me everything she had the next day. I got a few papers, one with info about the bio mom, dad, aunts/uncles, and grandparents (one sentence about each) which was already 100x more info than I ever had. One was my foster care records (apparently in foster care for a month and the foster parent had to keep a diary of info to pass on) with cute anecdotes about 3 week old me. And one was my health document stating I was healthy and good to go (like a pedigree dog... LOL). It had the name of the adoption agency, and they still exist, so i called them a few times over the course of two weeks, but could never get an actual human from the right department on the phone. I left lots of messages, but never heard back. I kinda gave up trying.

So on June 20, 2007 in the middle of the night, I scoured adoption forums on the internet. The largest reunion database seems to be: http://www.isrr.net/ but their policy is that you have to submit your info via PAPER and mail it in. I printed out the registration forms and filled out only the first line... and decided to think about it more. I never mailed it in. The same night I posted an ad on another adoption forum. My ad said where/when I was born, the ages/nationalities of the birth parents, and the adoption agency. The ad also says "I am looking for bio-family info. I'm happy & healthy... just looking for info, photos, or siblings!" And for a week or so, I walked around on pins and needles terrified I might actually get a response, but when I didn't, I forgot all about it.

When I actually got pregnant and I had my first midwife appointment (about 6.5 weeks pregnant, so probably January 2008), she asked for family history and I told her I had none. She made me feel bad and told me I wasn't doing right by my child to not know, and if I wanted to be a good mother, I needed to continue my search. Though I felt she was full of shit (and later, she turned out to be full of shit on a lot of things, but that's another issue), I reconsidered it again at that point, but I was too wrapped up in my pregnancy, and well, I just didn't want to. I still never mailed in those papers to ISRR.

Lilian was born in August 2008, perfectly healthy and looking exactly like her dad. In the end, it seems my genetics didn't matter all that much. Well, a year went by and the first year of her life was obviously spent with my head in newborn-world. I never thought much about it again until...

THE REUNION

About two weeks (late August 2009) before my 30th birthday (more than 2 years later), I got an email. It said "I think I'm your birth mother"... *screetch* Woah. That was major. It was totally unexpected, came at a totally random time, and was pretty monumental. A million thoughts went through my mind and it was all i could think about for weeks. We wrote back and forth for a few days trying to determine if we were even a match. And I didn't know her, and since I was the one with the ad up, it could have been anyone writing to me. I wasn't "sold" on the idea, I was still quite cynical. We exchanged some photos of each other, and I thought "well maybe", but at some point in that first week, she sent me photos of her grandmother when she was young... and I looked at them and saw my face in someone else's for the first time. I was convinced. (I am attaching photos at the very bottom of this post). So I called the adoption agency and finally got a human on the phone and explained the situation. We had found each other, but would like THEM to confirm the match with us each providing our personal info. I sent her my name/DOB and the name of my bio-mom (as she introduced herself to me) and 2 long days later... I got an email saying it was NOT a match! The name was incorrect. I couldn't believe it. After all my cynicism, I was finally believing it, and then it was wrong! All of the conversations we had in the prior two weeks (email, not phone) didn't matter. She had even told me what my name "was" to her, what she had named me unofficially. And then I wasn't her! It was just another valley in my emotional mountain range that month. I emailed her and told her we weren't a match... and then she realized that she had changed her name. Not just gotten married, but her first name too! So both first and last names were different (why she didn't think to tell me that in the first place, I'll never know)... and so after the weekend passed, we recontacted them, etc etc and yes, we were a match.

So that lead to the inevitable question of "now what". In those first few weeks, she had emailed me over 100 photos of her and her family (past and present), my bio-dad, my sister! (woah, I had a sister - that was a crazy thing in and of itself), etc. She told me about what people looked like, their talents, illnesses, etc. Not to sound callous, but I got what I wanted. She told me her version of my birth story (she contacted me after my bio-father had died, so I only get one side of things), and why I was given up, and what her life was like afterwards, and my sister's story, etc. Some stories were totally enlightening, some were a little horrifying. Some were really interesting, some were mundane, and some were downright dramatic. I got my history, my photos, my story... I shared mine with her as well. I told her about my life, my family, photos, etc. But at that point we kind of disagreed on where to go from there. I never wanted a relationship (and I was upfront about that in both my ad, and in my letters initially), but she did. She said that she felt a piece of her missing all those years, and now that we were reunited, she was hoping we could be "something". Maybe not mother-daughter, maybe not quite friends, but something. Personally, I felt she was glad to have her daughter back... which was not really what I had in mind. But I realized that the situation for me and for me was not the same. And so I tried to meet her somewhere in the middle. She was dying to have me come visit her, but I certainly wasn't ready for that. But I agreed that we could keep emailing, and she was on Facebook, so in those ways we were still keeping in touch. We had a few phone calls in the next six months, but talking on the phone isn't really my thing, and for me, it felt awkward. And so for a while, we were in touch. There were some times when she crossed boundaries that I wasn't comfortable with, but I told her so.

We actually don't talk anymore. It's been 8 months or so since we have. I imagine she still reads here once in a while, but even if she doesn't, I'm not the type to air dirty laundry. But I think the short version is that I think our personalities are too different and we didn't have the same expectations. I also became wary of some of the "truths" I was told and the reasons behind them. And after a confrontation, some ugly words were said, and we never wrote again. I can't say that I regret any of it, but it certainly wasn't a happily-ever-after reunion for either of us. To be honest, she's probably more disappointed with the whole thing than I am. It changed my life forever. I no longer have unanswered questions, and now there are lots of people in this world that I look like. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but not everything in life does, I suppose.

(In November 2010, about a year after first emailing/contacting my "new" sister, at age 31, we finally did meet and spend a significant amount of time together. But, that's a subject for a different day. We never searched for our two older half-siblings.)

ON BEING AN ADOPTED CHILD

So far, everything I've ever written on the subject has been about being a formerly-adopted-child... as an adult. But I've never really talked about being an adopted child. Then or now. Probably because before the age of 25 or so, it was a weird subject for me. I don't remember the conversation being told about adoption... I just always knew. I guess I was too young to remember, but old enough to understand. But then when I was 2, my mom got pregnant with my brother which added a new dynamic to the situation: one adopted child and one biological child. I was never made to feel any different, and it was never ever mentioned. But that doesn't mean that I didn't remember... and have moments where I felt different. My mom told me which of the kids I went to school with were also adopted, I guess to make me realize it wasn't all that unusual. But I never talked about it with any of friends, those or any others. It kind of became a family secret, not because it had to be or anyone wanted it to be, but after not talking about it, it just seemed natural to keep not talking about it. It just wasn't talked about, and I was OK with that. I'm sure some people around town and in school knew, but I also looked enough like my family to "pass." It's not like I was a different race or drastically different looking. My mom has light blonde hair, my dad dark brown and mine was medium blonde as a kid and dark blonde as a teen/adult - not different than you'd imagine biologically. They both have green and green/blue eyes, mine are gray, not that different either. I remember telling a few people later in life, and they were actually surprised to learn it. So while it was always part of my life, it was always on the peripheral. I'm sure it helped mold who I was and who I became as a person, but it was never something that defined me. At times, it did make me feel isolated, different, and maybe even embarrassed. But at other times it felt very liberating. I could be my own person with no biological expectations. I could imagine my own history and create my own future. I wasn't tied down to any one reality or set of rules that would govern my outcome. But once in a while there would be awkward moments. I can remember like it was yesterday being at a birthday party for one of my brother's friends (with my mom, waiting for him to drive him home). We were sitting in the waiting area of a gymnastics type place and one of my brother's friend's mom had never met me, and she came over to say hi to my mom. And when I was introduced, the woman made some comment along the lines of "oh wow, you look nothing like [your mom] or [your brother]. You could be adopted!" *awkward pause* I think my mom and I just awkwardly giggled... heh heh, and left it at that. (By the way, what grown woman would say something like that! You never know people's stories or what might offend a pre-teen girl, whether it was true or not!)

Did I ever have regrets about being adopted growing up? (Not like I had a choice of course). No. I never once wished that my biological parents kept me. I never once wished I wasn't adopted, never wished THESE parents didn't end up with me, etc. It was my reality, and it was always my life, and a good one at that. My parents were awesome in a billion ways, my life was privleged and awesome in a billion ways. If I lived a different life (either with bio-parents, or some other parents wherever), maybe my life would have been great in a billion DIFFERENT ways, but then it wouldn't have been MY life, ME as i know me now. I'm a member of the "it is what it is" club, and I have had no complaints about this in my life. Nobody chooses who they are born to, the same as I didn't choose who I was born to OR who I was raised by, but I have no complaints. My biological parents had another daughter whom they kept, and after finding that out, I also never wondered why her, why me? I don't feel rejected and I have no anger or jealousy. I don't wish to change anything about my "origins," I had a fantastic childhood, education, and upbringing.

ADOPTION POLITICS

I've read many websites and forums about adoption in the past and people have lots of opinions on it. I've heard people call it a crime against nature, a lie, theft, etc. I've heard cries for changes in the laws to open up adoption and medical records. I've read a lot of good, bad, awful, and worse. And I can see both sides of the arguments. I can. I can see how it might be perceived as unfair to the child... who will later become an adult with no "rights" regarding the situation, but also had no right to choose. But I can also see how privacy may be very important to the birth mothers who have made that decision. I know some adoptions are evil... children are bought and sold, unfit parents adopt for the wrong reasons, and babies are taken/persuaded away from possibly young, but otherwise fit mothers without proper counseling, etc. Bad things happen in adoption as well as really anything in the world. But sometimes there are happy endings too. In my situation, my birth mother has said that she was "coerced" into giving me up and regretted it ever since. But she did get to keep a daughter and stayed with our father for 20 years, and it was her decision to live with in the end. I know my parents and grandparents were ecstatic to have their first child and grandchild and that they loved me very much. And I know that I lived a great life. Sure, I had questions in my lifetime. Still do. But I never felt robbed or violated in any way by the decisions made FOR me by other adults.

In the past two years, since our "reunion", getting answers for many of my questions, and actually meeting a biological relative (besides my daughter of course) for the first time I don't think any of my opinions have changed. I actually am not sure I have that many opinions on adoption at all actually. But since really making it part of my life, I definitely have developed a new interest in the subject. I'd like to talk to some of the anti-adoption advocates just to hear their points of views. I'd like to hear more stories of people content with their reality like me. Search & reunion stories actually interest me, where they really didn't 4+ years ago. I guess I have a story to tell... and a pretty major one. But still not a lot of opinions on the subject. I'm not really sure what rights adoptees and birth parents should have, I'm not really sure what laws are appropriate. Maybe I'll do more research (anyone have good book recommendations?)

ON THE OTHER A-WORD: ABORTION

I'm a left-winged, liberal, feminist... anti-abortionist. Probably a very unusual combination. And maybe it's because of who I am as a person, maybe it's because I'm adopted, maybe it's because of how I was raised, I'm not sure. But I just know that abortion does not sit right with me. I would certainly say I'm pro-life. But isn't everyone? I mean, who is pro-death? The term is silly to me. And I wouldn't say I'm anti-choice either, though. Do I want to take away YOUR right to choose? Probably not. But I am anti-abortion, as a concept, not a political standpoint. To me, it's the wrong thing to do. Are there exceptions, of course... rape, incest, underage pregnant "children", pregnancies incompatible with life (both the fetus and/or the mother), etc. But abortion simply because you do not feel like having a child doesn't seem OK to me. My friends already know this about me, most don't agree. i also don't eat meat (vegetarian of varying degrees since 1992), don't fish/hunt, wear fur, etc. I just value life, I guess. But my politics aren't really relevant here... I want to talk about abortion in relation to adoption, because sometimes they are portrayed as "opposites" of sorts in political discussions about one or the other. Oh, you are pregnant and don't want a baby? You can abort it OR give it up for adoption. (Though, personally, I hardly seem them as opposites).

It may seem crass to say, but it has on occasion crossed my mind, that as an unwanted child (to my bio parents) I could have been an abortion. I mean, maybe to THEM specifically not... I have no idea what their politics on the subject are/were, but like I said about the near-opposites, I suppose that the concept must have occurred to them. I was born in 1979, and abortion was federally legalized in 1973, so it wasn't even brand new. And never once in my life have I wished I was aborted instead. Man, if keeping me wasn't an option for whatever reason, I am certainly grateful for my life every day that I wasn't aborted. It's gross and extreme, but it must be something that crosses every adopted child/adult's mind at some time.

In many ways, I see the adoption solution as the most noble/selfless decision. I'm sure as hard as it is to abort a baby, it must be even harder to carry one to term... feel it kicking and growing inside you, then turn it over anonymously to never be seen again. I was given the ultimate gift of life, I'm sure at a cost to my biological mother both emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And in return, she got nothing except knowing that I was out there... somewhere. Hopefully happy, healthy, and living. She too got a life of wondering and unanswered questions, which for some, may be arguably harder than the mourning/grief of terminating a pregnancy. And, like I've said above, although I've never felt bad about being given up for adoption (after all, the parents I ended up with wanted me SO badly, they went to extremes and waited a long time to get me), I feel even GREATER about the fact that I wasn't killed before even being given the chance to live. I am grateful for the sacrifices a virtual stranger made for what I see to be the harder decision. It may seem kind of disgusting to say "thanks for not aborting me", so I suppose "thank you for giving me my life" is a nicer way of putting it, because it was, after all, a choice.

MOTHERHOOD

Becoming a mother has always been a goal of mine. I think even more than a career, house, car, husband/wife, etc., a child has been the focus of my future-fantasy as long as I can remember. Being a mom has been the constant in my life, the one goal I always had, forever. Again, I'm sure this is part of who I naturally am as a person. Some people just are meant to be parents. And some not or don't want to, and that's OK too. But I think my adoption has also played a part in this fantasy (which later became a reality). Because as much as I was "OK" with being adopted, that's not to say that I didn't also want to experience the bond of biological relationships. It may be something taken for granted by most people (or even disliked), but I spent my whole life looking at people who looked alike; studying siblings and parent/child to see their matching features. It was something that fascinated me, and something I'd never had. Personality similarities too... like a friend who was good at music because her mom was. Behaviors and personalities grow and morph by nurture as well, but I never just felt "connected" to someone in that way. Even "we are both allergic to cats! I got that from my ____." And because of this, I think having a child became very important to me, perhaps more important than it would be to an unadopted person. Because not only was I having my first child, I was getting my very first blood relative. I'll be the first to say that "blood" relations is not what determines a family, but for someone who has never had it, it was very important to experience. It doesn't discount my adoptive family. I love my parents, grandparents, and brother very much... they ARE my family in every sense of the word. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to feel the connection that most everyone else does. I would definitely consider adopting/fostering a child in the future, but I knew that in my life, i NEEDED to have at least one biological child in order to feel complete. And when she was conceived/born, she was my only bio relative (my bio-mother didn't search me out until Lilian was a year old). I'm not sure that our biological tie made Lilian any more important to me or made me love her any more, but I know that the biological connection is something that strongly compelled me to become a mother in part. Now that she's here, her/my DNA doesn't seem that important. My attachment to her came from both wanting a child so badly, and growing her INSIDE my body. I imagine if I carried a child in my uterus that came from somebody else's egg, and grew and birthed and raised that child, I'd feel exactly the same about him or her. But on the day she was born, and I examined her and saw that she has my exact same hands... teeny versions of the hands I look down at every single day of my life.... on someone else, I felt something I had never felt before in my life.
(The topic of "looking like" people is another I can go on and on about... so I'll save that for another time).

I probably have a billion more things to say on the topic of adoption... but I've been writing for almost 5 hours, and I think I need to end this here. I know I've never put most of these thoughts in writing, and I've probably only spoken about them with my wife... so this is all new territory for me. If YOU are an adoptee, birth mother, or adoptive parent, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts. (Please keep it polite and civil, even if you disagree with me or other commenters). If you come across my blog and you'd like me to read your blog/book/article on a similar subject, I'd love to. If you have questions, I'd love to answer them. And if you have proposals for future blog post subjects, I'd like them as well.
I just poured my heart out in 5 hours of words... so please comment and let me know what you think.

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Biological great grandmother

Me, 2007

Biological great grandmother

Random Thoughts and Reports from My Weekend (and a little complaining)

2011-07-05T15:21:00.001-04:00

Lots of Random Topics about to Follow:

My Weekend
By Dana Alison
Ha ha ha! I feel like i'm writing a grade school report on how I spent my holiday vacation.
Because i worked extra hours earlier in the week, i had Friday off. Our besties (and Lilian's dad) BS and Val came out Thursday night and we stayed up late playing X-box Rock Band and hanging out. I'm glad Rock Band has made a reappearance in my life. The year Lilian was conceived and a fetus, we played nearly every weekend like it was a job. It was awesome and super fun. Then i guess we all "got over it", but now 4 years later, it's fun again! Yay!
Friday, we woke up early and drove to Riverhead, the nearest major shopping area (about 35 miles/50 minutes away) to do bulk party/grocery shopping. We bought BBQ supplies to the max. Afterwards, we went to Bay Burger, our favorite local burger joint (in Sag Harbor) where we sat at an outdoor table next to Kelly Ripa and her family. She had no make-up on and they looked like a very down to earth family. The boys were really well behaved, and when they were leaving, she told Lilian that she liked her T-shirt! How cute is that. Soon after that we went to pick up Hillary & Sarah at the train station. Hillary has been a longtime "online" friend of Missy's. They met once briefly at Missy's band's shows and they have mutual friends, but this was their first real hang out. And what better way to get to know someone than to have them stay at your house for 4 days straight! Ha! Lots of cooking, BBQing, eating went on. Sunday night involved a big Italian dinner and Ashley (one of our favoritest humans on the planet) and Roberto drove out. Saturday night was a BBQ (Mike, Kate and Felix and Mat stopped by, all local friends). Hillary and Sarah went to the beach for a couple of hours Sunday morning, but it quickly turned to a rainy day. The weekend was mostly a 4 day long slumber party with pajamas, group naps, cooking and snacks all day long, video games, cartoons, and puppies. The big BBQ party and beach day didnt really happen, but that's OK because we all got to relax. The weekend felt LONG and now it's Tuesday morning and i feel well rested. And all 4 of our houseguests got away from the city and their real lives and had a 4 day "getaway". I think we all needed that. We didn't bother to go see fireworks last night, we were already in unwind mode, and traffic/parking/mosquitoes are all horrendous out here in the summer, and Lilian was too little to care. So, we did a lot of nothing this weekend, and had a lot of fun doing it.
The End

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The only drawback to the weekend was that i came away with a 3 pound weight gain. Ugh. I hope it's a lot of bloat and water weight (since we did eat a lot of salty, heavy foods) and by tomorrow morning it'll all come back off. I'll be eating light, drinking a lot, and hopefully going for a long walk today.

I havent been posting about my weight/diet here but I guess now is as good as a time as any to update. I've been struggling with weight... forever. And i've been on and off diets for the last 7 years. But about 2 months ago, i started "on" again. And i've lost 17 pounds... but it's been slow. Really slow. For the first six weeks, i tried Timothy Ferriss's "slow carb" diet. It basically allows NO grains or white foods of any kind and no dairy whatsoever. Beans, green veggies, eggs, and (beef/chicken for meat-eaters) are the diet. It's more specific than this, but that's not what this is about, so i'll leave it at that. It was really limiting and really hard and i lost a bunch of weight, but not really any quicker than a regular low calorie diet (like Weight Watchers) than i've done in the past, so i decided not to stick with it. And instead i'm not following a specific plan (for once) and just trying to eat light and fresh, low carbs, low fat and dairy, and limiting my aspartame diet drinks to one a day. And a month ago, i started walking. I try to walk 2-5 miles about 3-4x a week. I can walk while at work, which is awesome. The baby enjoys the fresh air, views and sights and going to the park. And i dont have to take time away from stuff I need to do at home and it helps my days pass faster. It's a win/win. I wasn't going to write about my current diet until i lost my first 20 pounds, but those last 3 pounds have been stuck! I need to kick into serious gear... and now i'm 6 pounds away from the goal, since i gained 3 back this weekend. Missy, however, has lost 50+ pounds in the past 3 months... which is almost unreal! She looks fantastic, and it makes my 15+ pounds seem insignificant. But, this is a lifelong struggle... so i guess as long as i keep moving DOWN on average, i'm doing OK and i won't worry too much how slow it's going. I have a goal of losing 25 more by my birthday (Sept 8), which is also in the neighborhood of the goal that i want to reach before getting pregnant again. I'd like to start my next pregnancy at a much lower starting weight than last time, to hopefully have an easier third trimester. Well, i hope my next diet update is a much more positive one.

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There is 2 things i hate about summer. (And i mostly hate summer). 1. The Heat. 2. The bug (bites). And both have been problematic recently.
The weather has been humid and our house isnt properly air conditioned. There is one unit in our high-ceilinged living room/kitchen/dining/hallway area, but it's a big space and the unit barely cools it. And our other 2 units are in the basement... uninstalled... and we can't do it on our own (i have a bad back and can't carry it, and Missy is asthmatic). So the bedrooms have no A/C. Lame. We slept on the couches (all 3 of us) for the past 2 nights, but i dont get the best night sleep there. I need to find some kind of handyman that won't charge us a fortune to install them.
Part 2: the bugs. When we moved in, we found old used ant bait traps around the house... but no ants! We figured the previous tenants were overreacting. Fast forward 8 months... Hello, ants! I find about 20 a day. And not only in the kitchen. By the front door, bathrooms, bedrooms, etc. Nice. But i can handle that. And out here, mosquitoes are inevitable. And sadly, Lilian and i react badly to bug bites... they swell as big as marbles, and have in the past gotten as big as baseballs! But we keep the doors closed... and i can handle that too. These aren't the bugs i'm talking about.
It's ticks. Dog ticks and deer ticks. Since spring, i think i've found about 8 ticks on my dogs... big ones though, most likely dog ticks. And we found one Lone Star tick. But this weekend i found two deer ticks on Lily and Missy found one on herself, so yesterday was the day of Tick Extraction. Lily is really brave, and so she didnt flinch when we dug around in her skin with tweezers. But still Not Cool. Last thing i need is for my 3 year old to get Lyme Disease. I know it's partially inevitable, the ticks that is. They are a huge problem out here. It's rural, it's coastal, there are tons of deer (which i love, all 3 things) and therefore, tons of ticks. But part of the problem is my backyard. It's unacceptable. It's bascially a wooded lot with 2 circle "clearings" in the back one on top of each other, like a snowman. But this property hasn't seen landscaping in probably 10 years. There's no grass (ivy ground cover, and weed ground cover in the clearing), the bushes havent been pruned in ages, weeds are as big as trees, autumn leaves havent been removed in years, etc. And the "front yard" is a circular driveway, and the part in the circle is the same... wooded, overgrown, etc. Overgrown is the best word i can use. It's just out of control. I LOVE gardening and landscaping... but since we never felt "permanent" in this house, i havent taken the time, and i am definitely not spending money on a rental house. But there's no safe place to really sit and read a book, and certainly no safe place for Lily to play outside. It majorly sucks, because that's part of the appeal of living somewhere so rural. Outdoor space.
Well, i guess autumn will be here soon enough...

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The next bit of weekend drama... Ruby nearly poked her eye out. (For those new readers, Ruby is my first dog. She's an 8.5 year old, nearly 14 pound chihuahua. She's quirky and my best friend). It started a couple of weeks ago... one eye was puffy and watery. I looked at it, didnt see anything, and assumed it was allergies. She's allergic to everything: foods, trees, grass, mold, pollen, humans, etc. It cleared up for a few days... then got worse with goop and swelling... i looked and saw nothing else unusual, so we thought maybe she had pink eye. Dogs can get that too. Again, it cleared up and was fine for a few days, but then swollen again this weekend. So Friday night, Missy and BS examined it... and holy crap! There was a HOLE in her eye. (A puncture wound or an ulcer.) She could barely open it. This resulted in a lot of chaos and concern (would she die? Would she lose her eye?) So Saturday morning i took her to the vet, and it is exactly what it looks like. He thinks it probably was an run in with a thorn or stick (another reason why my backyard is unacceptable) or perhaps another dog's claw. But it looked clean and like it had started to heal. Prognosis good. Super expensive rx eye drops purchased. And now that it's been a few days, the hole looks more like a dent, and she can open her eye all the way and it looks otherwise pretty normal. She didnt lose vision. What sucks is that it is supposedly one of the most painful injuries you can have... and we didnt notice for so long. I looked, but never saw it!!! And her behavior never changed, so i never knew she was in pain, that's why i assumed allergies. Well, i feel terrible, but she's on the mend now. Send well wishes to my baby Ruby!

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Another bit of personal suckiness in my life. Last summer Missy bought me a digital Canon Rebel SLR camera. I wanted one for 6 years, but couldnt afford it. And 3 weeks ago, i left it outside in the rain for a few hours (oops) and it seems to be completely dead. So i had to resort to a point-and-shoot mini Nikon i got as a gift... that takes terrible photos. Well, on Saturday, that one broke too! What are the chances! So this will be the summer of no photos (except mobile phone shots). If you know me... you know HOW unusual and HOW crappy this is for me.
(Friends and Family: birthday is coming up Sept 8. Gift certificates to Best Buy so i can put them all together and buy a new camera would be fabulous. Just a hint!)

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Lilian is going to be 3 in a week and a month. I cant believe it. In some ways, time has flown. And in others, not. I can't even remember what it was like to have a baby in the house, now that i have this awesome, funny, little toddler around. I've been hit HARD with the baby fever. Emotionally, i am SO ready for a little brother or sister. (Some other pieces have to fall into place first, but i, myself, am ready.) I dreamed about Lilian years before she was born... she even had her name in my dream (and that is partially how she got her name). And a couple of weeks ago i dreamed about her little brother. Yes, brother. He had a name, and i could see his face and hair. And now i'm anxious to meet him in real life.

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I didnt make it to the beach this weekend, but that is DEFINITELY where you'll find me this weekend. With a LOT of sunblock on. (My back got burnt last weekend, and 10 days later and it still hurts.) Plus, every time i go out in the sun, i get 100+ new freckles on my face, and it's getting out of control. But i vow to spend 1 day on the beach this weekend. Water/swimming is probably the ONLY thing i like about summer. Wait, thats not true. Gardens and fresh fruits are the other two. But swimming is up there. Oh, and sandals. Sandals are really good.

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I think i've rambled on enough about all the bullsh*t going on in my life this week. Just two whole, and two half more work days until the weekend.

While youre here, do me 2 favors.

1. See the picket fence box on the right? Click it? That'll give me a vote on the Picket Fence Blog directory. Thanks! You can vote once a day.

2. I am trying to reach 1,000 Facebook followers. So if you don't already follow Lil Family Blog on Facebook, please do. On the top left of this page, you'll see the badge to click. I've got almost 900 so far. Almost there. Please click it and "like" us on Facebook to keep up with updates.
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Thank you!!!! You're awesome.

Flashbacks! (Flashback #1 - A Confession, On Reading)

2011-07-04T23:46:00.001-04:00

From May 2003 until January 1, 2010 I maintained a Live Journal blog. For a variety of reasons, I decided to end that blog... and that's when I started my new blog, here. I "locked" up the old blog (so none of the entries are public), but I was looking back at those 7 years of blogging and I think that some of the entries are important to who I am now, and so I am going to have a new feature here called "Flashbacks." Once or twice a week (I think), I'll copy an old blog post here along with some back story and/or follow ups.

So... ready go. Here's a first one. It's about me & books/reading.

Originally Posted February 8, 2009 at 11:25pm

A Confession

I love to read. I'd say it's one of my Top 5 passions... books. Since November of 2002, I've been writing down every single book I finish in a journal... its black with a green ladybug on the cover, and each page has a red/blue/green ladybug printed on the top (I bought 3 of these journals at the time, one in each color.) I've kept this journal in my nightstand since 2002... and kept it updated. (See first photo).

In 2003, I read 41 books.
In 2004, I read 34 books.
In 2005, I read 42 books.
In 2006, I read 36 books.
In 2007, I read 14 books.
In 2008, I read 5 books.

Something happened when I started TTC and got pregnant... starting November 2007, it's like I lost the attention span to read. In 2008, I read 2 cheesy mysteries (the kind you'd buy in an airport), and I actually only read one, one was an audio book I listened to. And I read 3 parenting books. (See photo of list.)

I don't know what happened. I still love to read. And I miss it. It's just, it's like I've forgotten how. Or I'm out of practice & habit. Or I'm distracted, or my attention span is shot. I'm so fatigued all the time, even thinking about a book makes my eyes flutter shut.

This has to change. I HAVE plenty of books I've been meaning to read. It's embarrassing and awful. And I've talked about in my blog many times here, how I've "lost" myself and so many parts of who I am. And this is a major part of me I've lost.

So, I made some New Years's Resolutions, but only one "official" one so far (to learn how to cook one new food/dish/dessert a week)... and it's never too late... so this will be official New Years's Resolution #2. To read in 2009. Being a new mom takes up most of my time, so I'm going to be conservative... and challenge myself to read 25 books this year, and hope I can surpass that.

*hangs head in shame*

--Dana

I'm sorry to report, I didn't do much better in 2009. In 2009, I read 20 books. Better, but still not great. And in 2010, I read only 6 books. Six! Awful.

But with my new job I started in December 2010 and my new Kindle (a super, awesome surprise gift from a special friend) I'm on a much better track! I've read 35 books so far in 2011, and it's only half way done. So, I'm glad that I have my attention span and hobby back!

Book Lists

Have any good book recommendations for me? I'd love to hear them!

P.S. - Can you please click this Picket Fence button to vote for my blog on their website???

The Trevor Project: Fundraising Update

2011-06-30T20:16:00.001-04:00

In our third update about the Starbucks incident we asked for help. We asked that if you, too, were displeased by the way Starbucks handled the situation, to please forgo one cup of Starbucks coffee, and instead donate $5 to The Trevor Project.

The Trevor Project is an organization that strives to prevent suicide in LGBTQ youth through 24 hour hotlines, an online community, and other outreach programs. (For those not "in the know" with terminology, LGBTQ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer, which basically attempts to encompass every degree of sexuality that varies of the path of Straight as an Arrow.) Teens with no where else to turn can find support, advocacy, and acceptance. Please go here to read more about it.

I don't know Jeffrey personally, I've never met him except for the 5 minutes in the Starbucks parking lot when we followed him outside, but I do know that he has a supportive mother and now thousands of strangers reaching out to offers words of support. But not everybody has that. And in light of this situation, that has us feeling both grateful and helpless, we want to make sure that others in similar situations of bullying and harrassment based on their sexuality, find support somewhere. And for this reason, we have chosen The Trevor Project as an area of focus.

On the original blog post where we asked for donations and asked people to let us know that they participated there are loads of comments with people letting us know that they are on board and have donated. On the Facebook page for Lil Family Blog there are more pledges and donations, and where we've shared on Twitter and our personal Facebook pages, friends and families have reposted and made donations.

The Trevor Project has contacted me and let me know that their usual donations (via text message) are about 4-6 a day. In the past two days they have received 52, which equals $260. (And I know some of our friends and readers donated on the donation page of the website via credit card. So in just two days, we HAVE made a difference. The respresentative has also told me that it costs $15 to field ONE incoming call on the suicide crisis hotline, so for fundraising purposes they equate every $15 to one life saved. So, so far the readers of Lil Family Blog and everyone supporting Jeffrey have already saved 17 lives by skipping a cup of coffee. But I want to save more.

We have set a goal of $1,000 - a total of 66 young lives saved. We are 25+% of the way there. But we need more help! Please keep texting your $5! Using your mobile phone, text: TREVOR to 85944 to donate $5.00 to The Trevor Project, or you can just enter your phone number in the box below. Please forward this link to everyone you know. Post it on your Twitter and Facebook. Send it to your favorite celebrities and news outlets. We need YOU to help us spread the word. In a situation where something horrible has happened, and there is nothing else we can do about it... we want to make something REALLY positive come out of it. Send a message to Starbucks that their inaction won't be tolerated and there is somewhere better to spend your $5.

Please comment on the blog and let us know when you've donated (especially if you have donated via credit card on the website) so we can keep a tally and let everyone know when we've reached our $1,000 goal.

Say NO to homophobia, and say YES to saving a young life affected by it.

Thanks to everyone for all your support, both financially, supportive comments, and word of mouth.

-- Dana Alison